5 Roles Matthew McConaughey Should Play. Shirtless.

Posted on May 28, 2012 by

Over the weekend I had the pleasure of viewing the trailer for the new Steven Soderbergh film “Magic Mike“. Soderbergh usually tackles tough topics, but I gotta say this one might be his toughest yet: The world of male strippers. The film looks like an updated version of the Tom Cruise vehicle “Cocktail”. All we have to do is replace the word “BARTENDER” with the word “STRIPPER” and I think we have the same movie. But that’s not what this post is about, not really. As excited as I am to see this weird movie, I am more excited about the fact that my old friend Matthew McConaughey is in it. He plays a veteran stripper named “Dallas”. (Of course he does) It also seems that he spends most of the movie shirtless. (Of course he does) If there is any actor on his way to Nicolas Cage status, it’s Matthew McConaughey. Each role he takes is a step closer to self mockery, and I for one love every second of it. That face! That accent! That body! Here is a list of roles I think Matthew McConaughey should play. Shirtless.

  1. Darth Vader – C’mon, you know this would be fantastic. Just close your eyes and imagine MM in some black leather pants, a black cape and the Vader helmet uttering the words, “You should not have come back old man…” in his southern twang. How completely rad would that be? I know! You can thank me later. 
  2. “Doc” Emmett Brown – As much as I love Christopher Lloyd’s iconic and eccentric  scientist, I think I would love him more if he were played by a shirtless and possibly drunk MM. The lines are perfect for him, and so are the costumes. He could still have the “mad scientist” hair, but just no shirt. How hot would it be to see him step out of that DeLorean sans shirt?
  3. Rhett Butler – Right? He gets to chew on a cigar, go head to head with a feisty woman and actually be from the south. It’s a perfect fit. Especially the scenes where he is dancing with Scarlett after the death of her first husband.Talk about a scandal!
  4. Cruella de Vil – Okay, I know this one seems weird, but just work with me here for a second. Picture if you will MM wearing the famous white fur coat with nothing underneath. Now give him a really long cigarette holder, long red gloves,  and some fucked up, two toned hair. See it? Great, right? I kind of picture him playing this role more on the dark side – like he’s been on drugs for like 67 years and is obsessed with Dalmatians and puppies. Whatever. I think it would be amazing. He’d win an Oscar. 
  5. The Dude/Jeff Lebowski – Duh. Another total no brainer. I think this role was based on MM in the first place. It just seems perfect for him. We get to see MM drunk, on drugs, screwing and bowling. All shirtless. If there is a god, this will happen for reals.
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Why Phillip Phillips Deserved to Win

Posted on May 25, 2012 by

American Idol is set up as both a popularity contest and a talent contest. That’s why they start filming and “following” the contestants from the moment they sign up to audition. They have footage of the potential winner’s entire “journey”. The producers are not dumb. They know more people will watch if they begin to identify with the contestants and feel a connection to them. That’s why Phillip ended up besting Jessica Sanchez – we all felt a connection to him. I didn’t really feel anything for Jessica other than, “Wow. She has a great voice for a kid.”

This year the American people choose Phillip Phillips as their American Idol. I couldn’t vote, but if I could have I would have voted for him. Nothing against the pocket diva Jessica Sanchez – the girl has mad skills – but she was boring. Phillip Phillips has the whole package: He’s talented, cute, funny and he is an actual musician. Of course he won.

But of course some people have to start complaining that Phillip is just the latest in a long line of “White Guys With Guitars” to win Idol, hinting at the fact that it is a racist show. I say, “Bull pucky!”

Let’s look at this objectively if that is possible. America has never really liked women performers as much as men. If you look at the top records or albums of any year ever in the history of years I’m sure you’ll find more dudes in the top ten than ladies. There have been far more male Idol winners than ladies. This shouldn’t be a surprise. It’s like that in every industry, why should the music industry be any different? Jessica Sanchez didn’t lose Idol because she sucks or isn’t talented. She lost because she isn’t as accessible to as many people as Phillip is. It’s that simple.

Now, as for the fact that he is a “white guy”. Sigh. Do we really need to make everything about race? The top three finalists were pretty diverse if you ask me. We had Josh Ledet – an amazing and talented singer (who is black) and was probably eliminated only because he and Sanchez split the vote for folks who enjoy the “big voiced singers”. Having those two as the finalists would have been like the two of them competing against themselves.

And then there is Jessica Sanchez – a Filipino girl with a big voice. There is no denying that she is talented, but she is also green. She lacked the stage presence of both Phillips and Ledet and just bored the pants off of me after a while. People don’t love Beyoncé just because she is an awesome singer. They love her because she sings, dances, is hot and makes it all look totally effortless and entertaining at the same time. Sanchez has a way to go before she reaches that point.

I think we should let Phillip have his moment in the sun. He deserves it. He did the work (for 40 weeks!) and came out on top. He won because he is good, not because of the color of his skin. Let’s all try to be a little gracious and let the 21-year-old pawn shop worker have his day.

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My Top 5 Overrated Books

Posted on May 24, 2012 by

I am an avid reader. I have enjoyed reading ever since I read “Green Eggs and Ham” and wanted to punch “Sam I Am” in the nose for pestering me to eat funny colored eggs. I love books of all shapes, sizes and genres. I like classics, I like modern fiction, I like non-fiction, I like poetry, and I like biographies. I always say, I just like books that are well written. And just because something is popular doesn’t mean it was well written. Just look at “50 Shades of Grey” which is one of the most trite, grocery store level, waste of time I have seen this year. I would get more out of reading Penthouse Forum.

This list focuses on some popular books, even some classics that I think are highly overrated for one reason or another. PS – I had a very difficult time just sticking to 5 books, but I managed.

  1. The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini - I didn’t hate this book, but I wasnt over the moon for it either. It was an easy read with an easy message. It fictionalized Afghan culture and made it easy to swallow for us Westerners. I read it and found it just… eh. 
  2. Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand - Ayn Rand is a divisive person to start with; you either agree with her or you don’t. But her “masterpiece” is just a slow-paced bummer of a book that lacks good writing. This book is a transparent political ideology in the form of fiction. Although a lot of people like it, that doesn’t make it a well written piece of literature. 
  3. The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger - Ugh. Is there anything worse than the teen angst of an unlikable teen? I think not. Although this book is touted far and near as one of the greatest novels ever written, I have to disagree. I know you probably loved it when you were 16, but have you tried to read it as an adult? Go ahead and see what happens. I hated this in high school. I thought Holden was depressing and whiney – not attractive. I would recommend reading “Raise High the Roof Beam Carpenters” instead, or even a great little book called “King Dork” by Frank Portman. It is a modern-day book about being forced to read Catcher in school. I laughed. A lot. 
  4. The Help by Kathryn Stockett - When I was reading this book I kept waiting for something to happen. This is another easy read with a message. A lot of people loved this book, but I found it to be pretty basic. It read like a screenplay… a bad screenplay. After the white woman saves the day you are just left with an uneasy feeling and left to wonder why you wasted your time. 
  5. The Master and Margarita by Mikhail Bulgakov - I know this won’t be a popular opinion but I am going to stick to it anyway. I think this book is very overrated. I get it – it is a satire, but I still didn’t think it was “all that”. I understood all of it. I got the “good versus evil” themes but something about the book just seemed way overwritten. Again, I know my opinion isn’t going to be popular, but I don’t care. All this book did for me was lull me to sleep every time I picked it up.
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This Week’s Obsession: Law & Order SVU

Posted on May 21, 2012 by

I have a serious problem. It’s a beautiful warm, sunny day and all I want to do is sit in my flat and watch consecutive episodes of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit. I’m not kidding. My windows are open and I can hear all the people outside enjoying the nice day but I can’t seem to tear myself away from what I now refer to as “The Ice-T Show” or “That Rape Show”, because let’s be honest that’s what it is. I was late to the party on this one. I hear that people have been enjoying this show for something like 12 years. Me, only about one year. But I am a quick study and I am catching up fast.

Actually, I can’t get enough. If I have any free time I am more likely than not watching Ice T and the gang make a bust or catch a perp. See? I totally know all the lingo. I have given this a lot of thought and I am still not able to come up with a valid reason for liking this show. I mean, let’s be honest – it’s not very good. The writing is predictable and silly and the acting is overdone. But for some strange reason those seem to be the exact reasons why I DO like the show. I get really excited every time I hear Ice – T make a statement like this: “Well, I guess flesh is worth more than produce.” In what context would anyone ever say that? I think his character is there just to help the stoned people with the plot. He is always summing up the long conversation that just happened. He gets all the most absurd lines and delivers them like he is just learning to read. It is awesome. 

Another one of my favorite parts of the show is Marishka Hargitay. I love her attempts to be both lonely and tough, kind and badass. If I am ever abused I hope she is there to hold my hand. Literally. I get a big smile when I see Detective Benson make a smug comment, look thoughtfully at someone (anyone, or even just a computer or a chair) and walk out of the room. She is so good at leaving a room. Maybe she just hates rooms.

My favorite thing about the show is the constant barrage of “Special Guest Stars” that is paraded through the precinct. I’ve seen Jeremy Irons as an alcoholic sex addict who councils other addicts. I have seen Cynthia Nixon display MPD, Andrew McCarthy as a rich dude who keeps a sex slave locked under his bed, and I have even seen Debra Messing as a tough journalist who nails cyber pervs on National television. It’s pretty awesome watching these “notable” stars flex their acting muscles as they cry, scream and emote their way through 45 minutes of gut wrenching drama.

Maybe this is just a phase I am going through, or maybe this is the beginning of the end for me. Maybe this is the start of a downward spiral into horrible taste in entertainment. Next thing you know I’ll be blogging about Celebrity Apprentice and CSI Las Vegas. Lord, I hope not. I hope it begins and ends with The Ice T show because I really it can’t get any better, and it really can’t get any worse.

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The Queen is Dead! Long Live the Queen!

Posted on May 18, 2012 by

The world lost another legendary voice yesterday when the beautiful Donna Summer was taken. She was only 63 years old. I will miss her music and her being very much. It is difficult for me to put into words how much Donna Summer has meant to me throughout my life, but I will try.

I have loved Disco music my whole life. It’s an easy thing to say now that it is in fashion again, but there was a time when being a big fan of Disco wasn’t popular. Like say the entirety of the nineties. But I stuck to my guns and put on my boogie shoes no matter what anybody said to me. Part of the allure of Disco, at least for me, are the voices. And one of the best was Donna Summer.

When I was little I saw a movie called “Thank God It’s Friday” starring one young Jeff Goldblum, a young Debra Winger and Miss Donna Summer. Sure, there are other people in the movie but they don’t really matter. Either does the plot – not really. It’s one of those Friday Night movies where everything happens in one night and everyone magically ends up in the same place at the end of the movie. Donna Summer plays Nicole, a girl who just wants to be a Disco star. And after seeing this movie I wanted to be a Disco star too. It might seem like a small thing to some of you, but that woman shaped my view of music and my own vocal talent. I wanted to sing big songs the way she did. I wanted to hit big notes the way she did in “Last Dance” or in “On the Radio”. And you know what? I can. Donna Summer taught me how to sing, how to perform and how to be a Disco Queen.

I’ll always hold fond memories of roller skating at Moonlight Roller Rink in Glendale, California while listening to the Queen of Disco belt out “Hot Stuff” or “Bad Girls”. I have Donna Summer to thank for me winning some pretty good amounts of money at karaoke contests. I have Donna Summer to thank for teaching me how to sing a sexy song without having to be slutty. Basically she was a super badass babe and I will miss her.

Rest in peace beautiful Donna Summer.

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5 Most Embarrassing Songs to Have Stuck in Your Head… in Public

Posted on May 16, 2012 by

* I decided NOT to include links for these songs. If you are curious please feel free to google them at your own leisure. Thank you.

So I was at the gym yesterday, running to nowhere as usual, when I was surprised by one all time favorite songs. I had my ancient ipod on shuffle, so it could have been 1 of about 4,675 songs. I had all but forgotten about it because it wasn’t on my usual workout playlist. I guess I should share with you the fact that I tend to sing along when I am listening to music just about anywhere I am. I have to consciously think about NOT singing when I am in public. Anyway, the song that came on was…

  1. “Pussy Control” by Prince - I love Prince, and the nastier the better. But getting caught singing this little ditty out loud someplace could land you in a heap of uncomfortable situations. I mean, the song starts out saying “Good morning ladies and gentlemen, boys and motherfucking girls…” and goes on from there. Let’s just say singing along to the chorus while on the treadmill might land you in some trouble.
  2. “I’m Black/Colored Spade” from the musical Hair - Want people to think you are a racist asshole? Then sing this song in your car at the top of your lungs. This song is just a list of racial slurs for black people, that when taken out of context could seem like a horrible thing to listen to. My BFF and I actually really like the musical and we used to sing this song rollin’ in her Chevy Sprint until the day we got some really strange looks from a neighboring car.
  3. “Sit on My Face and Tell Me That You Love Me” by Monty Python – I think this one is pretty self explanatory.
  4. “Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue” by Toby Keith – The mere fact that this song exists is embarrassing enough, but I would be mortified if I were ever caught singing the lyrics ‘And you’ll be sorry that you messed with the U.S. of A. ’Cause we’ll put a boot in your ass, It’s the American way’. Is it? I don’t really know much about this Toby Keith dude, but I know that his ridiculous song about being a stereotypical American douchebag is beyond embarrassing. If you actually own this song go ahead and delete it from your library. I’ll wait. 
  5. “Pop That Coochie” by 2 Live Crew - 2 Live Crew is a cornucopia of embarrassing song lyrics. It was pretty hard for me to choose between this song and the infamous “Me So Horny”. But when I thought about walking around town singing the chorus, this song was by far the winner. Eww. 
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America “To Do List”

Posted on May 15, 2012 by

My time in Prague is quickly coming to an end. Again. But unlike the last time I left Prague I feel like this time is going to stick. There is a running line here about people who leave Prague – You’ll be back. And it’s true. Once you live here for as long as I have, it is hard to figure out life some place else. You get used to the life style here and wonder why there are no 24 hour bars in your new city, or why there aren’t rude people working in every store. Last time I moved away from Prague I was very focused on what I was leaving behind. I was sad and I knew I was going to miss my favorite city. And don’t we always just remember the good things? One tends to forget things like smelly men everywhere or the frustration of going to the post office.

This time I am still sad to leave, but I am more focused on the future and what new and exciting things I am going to discover. I am looking forward to going back to the ‘ol US of A. I will be in a new state, a new city, and I’ll be meeting all new people. And to be honest, I am a little more than over Prague for the time being. The culture here is great to a point. If you can look past the blatant sexism, the alcohol consumed everywhere from the gym to hiking trips to childbirth – then you’ll be fine. Sure, I’ll have a bit of reverse culture shock, but that will be kind of fun. Grocery stores will become a daunting experience and polite servers will be a novelty. Bring it on. Here is a list of things I am looking forward to doing once I replant myself in American soil.

The Warrior Dash -  I can’t wait for this! I have been in the gym 5 days a week just getting ready for this badass fun run. Who doesn’t want to leap over flames and crawl under barbed wire? It is a 3 mile run with crazy obstacles all along the way. In order to preserve my title as “The Coolest Girl You Know”, I need to get this done. And I will. I will be running in Texas come November. Watch out.

Planting a Garden –  Over the past six years I have become kind of a health nut. I eat a lot more of what is healthy than not, and I seldom drink. Seeing Pop Tarts and Eggos bring back happy memories, but my body wants nothing to do with that junk. It’s full of chemicals. Each time I take a bite of something like that I recoil and kind of want to spit. I don’t even crave my old favorite Kraft Mac n’ Cheese anymore. If I do happen to want it, I’ll make it with actual cheese and not processed powder that tastes like cheese. If I want a waffle I’ll make on with batter like the good lord intended – not in a toaster. My man and I have talked, and we are going to plant a garden that produces fresh fruit and veggies and maybe even some pretty flowers too. I am very excited about this and I have a ton of fun ideas. I’ll keep you posted!

Road Trip – I have not been in the US for six years save two, two-week holidays in L.A. I am ready to rediscover America! I bet a lot has changed since I have been living the life in Europe. I met a lot of people in my time in Prague and I think it would be fun to see them all. I have friends in New York, Boston, Colorado, Nebraska, Oregon and of course California. Since we need to take a trip out to Cali anyway to see my friends and family, I figure we could just take our time and see the sights. Grand Canyon anyone?

Disneyland – I love Disneyland. I always have. I love the rides, the window displays on Main Street USA, the weird smell that you smell when entering The Pirates of the Caribbean, the sour cherry balls, over priced popcorn and even Great Moments with Mr. Lincoln. I grew up at Disneyland so I have more than my fair share of fond memories of being there. But here is the thing. My wonderful boyfriend has never been to Disneyland! I have to remedy this. I think in order to understand me you have to understand the happiest place on earth. Sure there are bigger and faster coasters in other California parks, but that isn’t why one goes to Disneyland. You go to Disneyland to remember what it is like to be a kid.

So that’s it. My to do list. For starters that is. I have a lot more I want to do, like front a band and become famous, but that can wait. I’ll just focus on getting myself settled and starting my new life in the great state of Texas.

Posted in america, California, Expat, food, lists, Prague | Tagged , | 2 Comments

How the Presidential Election is Just Like American Idol

Posted on May 11, 2012 by

This week, President of the United States Barack Obama came out in support of same-sex marriage and equality for all people – gay or straight. Most people had a mixture of emotions from joy to relief to “What took him so long?” But this is obviously a great thing and a history making announcement. We can sit here all day and wish it didn’t have to be like this, or say that he should have evolved sooner – but that is a waste of time and energy. The point is that the current US President took an offical stand for equality. Period. This is a good thing. It says to me that the politics of the day are shifting to a more inclusive nature.

I’m no dummy. I know that the timing on this “announcement” was no accident, and I also know that Mr. Obama was pretty evolved well before this announcement. And to this I say, so what? I knew Obama was pro gay & pro woman when I voted for him. Heck, that’s WHY I voted for him. His official announcement should not have been a surprise to anyone who follows politics. And yet some people are saying that he is using gay rights as a political platform and that he won’t see it through.

Did Obama make a “historic moment” out of something that really wasn’t? Yeah, he did. But why not? The American people are kind of like the audience for American Idol. If they don’t get a “moment”, they will forget about you and vote for the other guy. This announcement was President Obama’s “Don’t Stop Believing’” He took the stage and reminded people of who he really is and that he deserves your vote.

The way I see it, it breaks down like this – Mitt Romney i s the guy who isn’t really that talented but looks the part. He is this years Hollie. She pretty much sucked her way through the competition and got by on the fact that she could belt out a few big notes. Big whoop. Do we want “Hollie” running the country? I think not. What we want is someone who knows who they are and can deliver no matter what. We want a Josh Ledet or a Phillip Phillips. And that my friends is Barack Obama. He knows when to hold back and he knows when to let loose and take you to church – musically speaking of course.

I have full faith that once President Obama is re-elected that he will continue his support for equality in America. I don’t think he is wishy-washy and I don’t think he said what he said just to get votes. He’s been pro gay rights for a long time. I think we as American citizens need to look at the big picture: With Obama as President America has a chance to regain a sense of pride and a sense of inclusion for all people – and really mean it. On the other hand, with President Mitt “Hollie” Romney all we will get is an out of tune Miley Cyrus ballad, a trip back to an America that denied women’s rights to choose and denied the existence of gay people.

I don’t know about you, but when the Presidential phone lines open I’ll be dialing 1-800-OBAMA-01. He has the chops to get the job done. And, he’s not a bad singer to boot.

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5 T.V. Show Characters I Wish Were Real So We Could Be Friends

Posted on May 9, 2012 by

I love T.V. From the great shows like M*A*S*H and The Soprano’s to the not so great shows like People’s Court and Toddlers and Tiaras – I love T.V. I try not to watch a lot of it, or at least I don’t let myself overindulge until I have gotten all of my productive daily bull-poop out-of-the-way. (I.E. go to the gym, the store, pay bills, do laundry…) Once all the humdrum life stuff is over I can sit back and relax with a few old friends and some new ones. It doesn’t happen all the time, but every once in a while a T.V. show comes along that has somebody that I wish was real so I could hang out with them and have a beer. Here’s my top five T.V folks I’d like to hang with.

  1. Leslie Knope & Ron Swanson (Parks and Recreation) – The first time I watched this show I was in love. It had been a while since I had seen a network sitcom with smart and funny characters. Although I like all of the folks in Pawnee, I would definitely be friends with Leslie and Ron. I would totally go to the gay bar with Leslie and then have some after hours waffles. And it goes without saying that I would love nothing more than to chow down on a fat steak with Mr. Ron Swanson. He is the badass that I dream of becoming someday.
  2. Chris Stevens (Northern Exposure) - Again, here is another example of a series in which I would love to hang out with all of the characters – equally. I mean, I would love nothing more than to spend a day with Holling doing a paint-by-number, or hanging out with Ed and discussing our mutual love for Woody Allen films. I have even fantasized about having a fling with Maggie. But, if I was hard pressed to choose one from this most awesome of television shows, I’d chose Chris in the Morning. Duh. He is my television soul mate. He’s hot. He’s dangerous. He reads and writes poetry. He rides a motorcycle. He is a reformed bad boy. He has great taste in music. I can’t count the time I have wished I could go to The Brick and shoot a game of pool with him while discussing the hidden undertones in “Where the Wild Things Are”. Or maybe just make out with him in his trailer. 
  3. Phil Dunphy (Modern Family) - I know. It would have been so easy for me to choose either Cam or Mitch, but honestly, I feel like I DO hang out with them in real life. But, I don’t know anyone quite like Phil Dunphy. He has a pure heart, an awesome sense of humor, and a great love for his family. I don’t know how he handles being married to that skinny-butt control freak, but I love him all the more for it. I feel like it would be so much fun to take Phil Dunphy out for a night of karaoke.
  4. Kermit the Frog (The Muppet Show) – It has been a life long dream of mine to appear as a special guest on the Muppet Show. I just want to hang back stage with Kermit for a while before I go on stage for my number with The Great Gonzo. We do a killer rendition of “Easy Lover”.
  5. Lucy Ricardo (I Love Lucy) – When I was making this list I thought about a lot of characters that are near and dear to me (Buffy, Mulder, Hawkeye Pierce, Tony Soprano…) but when it came down to it, I didn’t want to spend any time with them. Spending the day with George or Jerry might make me want to kill myself. Spending the day with Buffy might make me feel really insecure. But one character finally came to mind – Lucy. How much fun would it be to be “Ethel” for a day and have some crazy hijinks ensue? Any day spent with Lucy would be so much fun, and heck maybe Ricky would finally let us be in the show. 
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Shoot for the Stars

Posted on May 3, 2012 by

Once in a while I set a goal for myself that seems, when I set it,  totally doable. For example, I once decided that I would  go to the gym and work out at least 3x a week. That seemed like t totally attainable goal. But that didn’t last long. I was either too tired to go, or I thought the gym would be too busy, or maybe I just didn’t feel like going. Whatever the reason I lasted about 2 weeks and I was over it. It seemed vastly more important for me to watch The Biggest Loser than actually go and workout. I couldn’t find the motivation I needed to stick to it. Until now.

I accidentally stumbled upon the biggest motivator I could ever ask for by wasting time playing video games. See, over Christmas break I started playing Angry Birds. I loved it. Since then it became my mission to achieve three gold stars on every possible level. And I did it. I found everything that was on offer to find in that game and I did it to completion. I was super proud of myself. I still am actually.

About the same time that I was making Angry Birds my bitch, I signed up for the President’s Challenge – it is a lifestyle and fitness challenge aimed at lazy Americans. Basically you sign up for an 8 week lifestyle overhaul, committing to put in at least 30 minutes of exercise 5x per week + you make a small change to your diet each week. By the end of the 8 weeks you are supposed to look and feel great, and you get some sort of certificate from President Obama. As if that were not incentive enough, each week you complete you are awarded a big old GOLD STAR. I love it! I have three of them already and I am working toward my 4th, which means I am half way done. I am seeing awesome results like hottie toned legs, and the discovery of my abs. I had always figured they were in there somewhere.

I realized that I need more than just a goal for my efforts, I need a reward. I know that the gold stars I receive from Angry Birds, or the Presidential Challenge are not real in the tangible sense, but I still feel like I earned something and it makes me feel good. I like to be able to track my progress and see how far I have come. I also like to collect gold stars and feel like a total badass, which I do.

I guess the moral here is that if you want to get me to do something, offer me a Gold Star chart and a reward system.  So far I  found out that I am able to kill ALL OF the green pigs, that I can write a 50,000 word novel in 30 days, and that I can work out 5x a week every week. Not bad. Who knows what else I can do? I’m shooting for the stars.

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