Don’t Worry! Be happy!

All I could do today, for the past hour, was listen to the X song I Must Not Think Bad Thoughts. I am in such a stinking, foul place today that the subtle rhythmic repetition is calming to me. It is the only thing that is keeping me from jumping out the window. I feel like I can’t breathe. I am really anxious and weary. I feel like eating a pint of Ben and Jerry’s and washing it down with a pint of Jameson’s. Is that bad?

I must not think bad thoughts.

What’s strange about this sudden shift in spirits is that I had a perfectly lovely evening. Last night my pal Steph and I went to the Parkway Theatre and watched “The Incredible Two Headed Transplant”. Seriously. The tag for the film is this: “One wants to love, one wants to kill! Two heads grafted to the body of a giant!” Wait it gets better! The film stars Bruce Dern (Laura Dern’s dad – not Gwenyth’s. Sorry Steph), Pat Priest (A.K.A Marilyn Munster) and Casey Kasem! Before they played the film we were all treated to a live performance from Apocalypso Now! and, to this little truth about Mr. Top 40 himself…here.

I must not think bad thoughts.

And now, here I am at work with a fierce scowl permanently attached to my face and an attitude to match. Honestly I look like I want to kill people today. If I saw me on the train I would not sit near me in fear for my safety. How did I get like this? Is this fear working its way through my system like an evil little virus? Or is this PMS or maybe just a run of the mill bad mood? I feel like the two headed transplant guy! The head that wants to kill is totally in control! I really have no good reason to feel this way. Check it out:

Someone just brought me a Philly Cheese Steak! I am getting a (sort of) promotion at work! I get my tattoo finished tomorrow and then I get to go to Midnight Mass with Byron! I went to Disneyland last weekend! I am moving to Prague in two months!

I must not think bad thoughts.

I guess it will remain a mystery. Or maybe I don’t need an excuse to be sad or mad or exhausted or even happy. Maybe I can just let myself feel the way I feel, live with it and let it breathe for a minute. What if the mad scientist let the “evil head” talk about his anger in a healthy way? Maybe then the two headed transplant guy would have been a little nicer.

I think I feel this way because, for weeks now, I have been trying to NOT feel this way. I have been trying to be happy and strong and you know, breezy! It is really hard to admit to the world that you are struggeling or just plain sad. But I’ll tell you something, I can’t do it today. Can’t! Do you know how hard it is to be positive all the time when all around you is chaos? My safe little world is shifting very rapidly and I can hardly keep up. But I am going with the flow. I am playing the part of the fun loving good time gal – which is true most of the time.

But not today. In fact – I declare myself free from having to be supportive, nice, happy, excited, positive, content or – any other word that falls under that category in the thesaurus – for the rest of today.

Today I am liberated from the confines of happiness and good fortune. Today I am allowing myself the option of feeling scared and unsure. I am going to let myself weep and pout and maybe feel sorry for myself. That’s right people. I am going to freak out today! And then, when I wake up tomorrow…

I must not think bad thoughts.

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2 thoughts on “Don’t Worry! Be happy!

  1. “Albert Camus wrote the only serious question is whether to kill yourself or not.Tom Robbins wrote the only serious question is whether time has a beginning and an end.”

  2. “Albert Camus wrote the only serious question is whether to kill yourself or not.Tom Robbins wrote the only serious question is whether time has a beginning and an end.”

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