The scariest movie of the year.

I adore horror films of all kinds. Show me some zombies, vampires, crazed homicidal maniacs, good old red neck ax murders and I’ll show you a happy lil’ Alicia. By far, the best horror film of the year was, hands down, “The Decent”. Five tough, hot chicks stuck in a cave with no way out, battling creepy dwellers of said cave – bring it baby! That was until today. Today I saw a film that had me squirming in my seat and covering my eyes. It had everything – zombies, red necks, religious fanatics and child abuse. It’s called “Jesus Camp”.

“Jesus Camp” is a documentary that sheds light on America’s dirty little secret: Evangelical Christians, and their evangelical children. The focus of the film is a fat, god-fearing woman named Becky Fisher. She runs a bible thumping boot camp for kids. I say boot camp because Becky believes that American children are an untapped resource for “god’s army”. That’s right – gods army. Apparently some time during the past couple of years while I was out being a heathen, god gave up wanting peace for his children, and this country and decided that what he really wanted was an army of kids with bad hair cuts from middle America. And who wouldn’t? At camp, kids and their parents get a vacation from home schooling and have an opportunity to speak in tongues, weep, learn about the evils of Harry Potter and sing songs like “Kickin’ It for Christ”.

There was many a disturbing moment in this film, each one a little more freaky than the last. Straight out of the gate we get to see a group of kids performing a dance number in full camouflage and face paint. I thought I was watching a lost scene from “Apocalypse Now”. Seriously, these kids made the Christian kids in “Footloose” look like heathens. It’s at this performance that we get to meet little Levi. Levi was saved at age five when, he says, life just wasn’t fun with out the lord. Levi wants to be a tele-evangelist when he grows up and talks about faith. He has a lot of time to devote to practicing his preaching because his mother home schools him. Levi has already learned that there is no such thing as global warming, and that public school is bad because of that “myth they teach” called evolution.

That’s just the beginning folks. It gets worse.

We get to meet a cute little girl named Tory who’s dad joined the war in Iraq after the lord told him to. When we see Tory for the first time she is proudly wearing a shirt that says, “MY DAD IS IN THE ARMY”, and dancing to her favorite music: Christian heavy metal. Tory says she likes Christian music better than Britney Spears or Lindsay Lohan because Jesus makes her feel good, but sometimes when she’s dancing she forgets to dance with the spirit in her – and dances for the flesh…and dancing for the flesh wrong. Tory feels that her gifts include: dance, prophecy and speaking out against abortion. Oh yeah, Tory is ten years old.

These kids are being trained to take back America, and if we are not careful they will. As the portly camp leader tells us, kids are impressionable and they will believe what you tell them. The lucky tykes that get to attend the indoctrination, I mean camp, are learning. They are learning that Harry Potter is a warlock and a tool of the devil. They are learning that they would have had a lot more friends if they hadn’t been killed in abortions. They are learning to pray for the government and for our president.

I don’t know which was worse: The scene where they brought in a life size cut out of President Bush and the kids gathered around it and prayed, (Thou shat not worship idols indeed!) or the scene where the creepy “I look like a child molester” pro life guy came and passed out plastic fetuses, taped the kids mouth with red duct tape that had the word LIFE written on it. He even told one little girl that she “sure looks pretty with that duct tape on her mouth.” EWWWWWWW!

So, why waste time writing about this? Because this is what is going on out there kids. Middle America is fighting for control of this country and they are winning. Conservative republicans have a direct link to the white louse, (HA! That was a real typo! Talk about Freudian!) the Supreme Court and congress. If we do not stand up and make our voices heard, this country will go backwards, and fast. I mean look at what has happened just in the past couple of years! Janet Jackson showed a nipple and the conservatives freaked out. Is this because conservative republican women do not have nipples? No. This is because different = scary. These are the same people that are for the death penalty and murder abortion doctors. Because, you know… killing is wrong.

I know how to defend myself against vampires – a stake to the old thumper. Zombies? A no brainer, so to speak. Werewolves? A silver bullet will stop the hairy hunter. I bet I could even slip by Leather Face and his chain saw if I had to. I’ve seen enough horror films to evade everything from possession of evil spirits to an alien invasion, but I don’t know how to stop little kids who believe in Jesus.

I told you it was scary.

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5 thoughts on “The scariest movie of the year.

  1. Ewwwww is right. I literally had to leave the room after reading that line. Oh, feeling a little sick…little bit in my mouth, all better now.

  2. Pingback: The Honorary Pat Robertson Top 5 Religious Zealot Films. Amen! | Prague Blog!

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