It is December, ad while most of my friends in the states are busy putting up Christmas trees and facing the mobs at the malls, I am here in Prague not doing any of that. This will mark my fifth or sixth year not having a Christmas tree, or doing any Christmas shopping at all. It still feels like Christmas since every square in town has Holiday Markets and huge trees, so don’t go feeling sorry for me. In fact, you should be happy for me. Why? Because for the first time in a LONG time – I am really happy.
I am so happy that I am a little scared to trust it. Yesterday I went to the (dreaded) Foreign Police to FINALLY get my long term Visa. And I got it. 1000kc and ten minutes later I walked out of there with the Visa in my passport. My fight to remain here (legally) is finally over. The Language School that tried to kick me out of the country did not succeed. I did. I am here, and I ain’t going anywhere. I feel like I have been stressing about this for so long, that I won’t know what to do when I don’t have to look over my shoulder any longer.
To add to the list of things going in the right direction – I found a little flat to call my own. And, I stress the word little. TINY! But, that’s alright. It is in the right neighborhood – more or less – and the price is right. The real bonus is that I don’t have to live with a roommate. Unless I am living with my boyfriend, I don’t want to live with anyone. I am a very solitary person, and I prefer to spend time alone. Not to mention I am a little anal and compulsive when it comes to dishes and kitchen things. But, we all have our little quirks, don’t we?
So, all of the sudden everything in my life that has been worrying me has been resolved. I am in love, I am legal, and I found a flat where I can live alone.
Um, this isn’t right.
A little voice in my head keeps whispering that to me. I keep telling that voice to go bother someone else, but it is relentless. This is the first time in recent history that I can recall the wind blowing my way. Why do I do this to myself? Why do I work so hard for what I want and then wait for that proverbial other shoe to come crashing down on my noggin? Right now, at this very moment I have everything in the world that i want. I am happy and content. And, for the life of me I can’t stop feeling like someone or something will take it away. And that’s just stupid. I know that – logically. And it pisses me off that I have let all of that negativity.
Right NOW – everything is good. I am happy. And, NOW is the only thing that really matters, right? The past is over and the future is something that you have no control over so…why not just be freaking happy in the moment that is NOW!? Eckhart Tolle says, “The quality of your consciousness at this moment is what shapes the future — which, of course, can only be experienced as the Now”. Makes sense, right?
I think I am going to stop waiting for the shoe to drop. Hell, I am just going to go barefoot.