Papa Can You Hear Me?

I am Arnold Schwarzenegger’s love child. I know. It came as a shock to me too. 

I am adopted, as most of you know. And most of you also know that I have always figured I am Liza Minnelli’s illegitimate daughter who she was forced to give up in order to pursue her dreams. (Cue “Liza with a Z, not Lisa with an S“) This would explain my height, complexion, and my outstanding belt. I just never had any idea who the daddy could have been. And let’s face it – it could have been any number of people. This was the hey day of Studio 54.

Back in 1974, (the year of my birth) The Arnold was all muscle all the time. He was showing those gross, beefy pecks all over the place. It would stand to reason that he and Liza hooked up on some huge coke bender while enjoying the nightlife and the boogie at Studio 54. She probably had to pretend to gain weight to hide the pregnancy, and Arnold shrugged responsibility in order to pursue his glorious acting career. It all adds up. It definitely explains my massive muscles and pension for Conan movies.

When the news broke about this “other” love child I was a little miffed. First off, my story is way better. And second, there is no good reason for anybody to give a damn. It’s none of “our” business who my illegitimate celebrity dad screws and then keeps on staff while hiding it from his friends and family. Geesh.

As my dad said in Conan the Barbarian, what is best in life is “To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women”.

I have learned so much from you.

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