In Which I Abstain From Drinking

Let me start by letting you know that I have had a few drinks this month. Now, before you start yelling at me let me please remind you that my month of sobriety is just that: a month of SOBRIETY. That means that the three drinks I have had this entire month did not get me drunk, nor were they taken together. I have remained sober the whole of this nineteen days. And it really hasn’t been that difficult.

September brings with it the annual Burcak Festival in Prague. As most festivals in Prague, it celebrates alcohol. (You can read about it here) What that brief little article doesn’t really clue you in on is the absolutely obscene hangover that Burcak gives you. It is tantamount to being beaten by a gang of angry robots with no off switch while simultaneously having each of your hairs being plucked out by a near-sighted, palsied chicken. In a word, it is miserable. The problem is that no one ever really remembers this. 

But I remember. I remember the headache. I remember the heaving. I remember the bargaining and the cold sweats. Oh yes, I remember. That is why I was so very thrilled that this year I would not experience any of that. I was to remain sober. And I did. I had one cup of the sickly sweet liquid and that was it. Sure, more would have helped me enjoy the Czech metal band that was “rocking” the stage at JZP, but I was not about to have my first hangover in 19 days be the result of Burcak.

I ended up going to a bar with some friends after the festival. I did a very good job of abstaining (having one shot of whiskey) and amusing myself by posing stupid questions to drunk people in order to see how far they would take it. The highlight of this activity was when I posed the question, “How do you like your sandwich cut? Rectangles or triangles?” This sparked a debate the likes of which I have not seen since I asked a group of Czech folks which beer is better – Czech or German. It seems that people (drunk people in particular) have very strong opinions on the way in which to cut a sandwich. It was even proposed that rectangular halves are a punishment, and that triangles are inherently more fun and therefore a more preferable shape for food. 

As the evening became very early morning I had decided that I didn’t really need alcohol to fuel an evening. I could be amused just as easily without it as long as I kept my wits about me. Fucking with people is a very good pass time for sober people because drunk people rarely know they are being fucked with. I’m sure next month when I resume drinking I will have a different opinion, but for right now messing with people is good enough.


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