In An Alternative Universe…

  • People who wanted to have kids would have to pass a psych evaluation before they actually had kids.
  • Ryan Gosling is on every stamp because he is just so damn good looking.
  • People carry around small, hand held buzzers that make the sound of a “strike” on Family Feud. This device is used to stop pretentious people from talking about their organic gardens, children, college glory days, and new restaurants that you just have to try.
  • Someone actually makes a time machine out of a DeLorean and travels back in time in order to stop “Back to the Future 3” from being made. A statue is made in their honor.
  • Men are forced to play football in speedos, tank tops and knee socks. With no pads. So it is “sexy” to watch. Men need to be sexy at all times no matter what they are doing.
  • George W. Bush never became President, instead he dedicated his life to consuming fried chicken, and collected Simpson’s memorabilia to the point that he needed to get a second home just to accommodate it all. He appeared on an episode of Hoarders.
  • There is no “gay” or “straight” just people.
  • Women make decisions for themselves and are not undermined. 
  • Texas is an island unto itself … kind of like New York in “Escape From New York”.
  • Episodes of “Jersey Shore” are shown in classrooms as part of a “Scared Straight” program.
  • People in Austin realize that they can lead the same “hippy” lifestyle without the heat, mosquitoes, and rednecks and thusly migrate en mass to San Francisco. This forces San Franciscans to be open to new people in their beloved city.
  • Oakland is overtaken by Hipsters.
  • Teachers make more money than Pro athletes. And actors. Combined.
  • In an attempt to help Americans have a broader world view, it is a requirement for all Americans to spend at least one year in a non english speaking country.
  • It is also required for all Americans to work in the service industry for at least 6 months.
  • There is no death penalty. People face life in prison without parole, and eight hours of every day is spent watching reruns of “Small Wonder”. This deterrent is so effective that it becomes a law in every country. Ever. Murder ceases to be a problem.
  • All school text books are written by a team of thirteen people. They are of mixed race, creed, religious affiliations and whatnot. They are sworn to truth and diversity.
  • All people with full time jobs are given a paid summer vacation of up to two months.
  • All national anthems are replaced by a “Universal Anthem”. This is it: 

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