5 Things Tommy Lee Jones Should Find

I’ve got this theory. It goes like this: Tommy Lee Jones is always, ALWAYS chasing someone (or something) in the movies. Think about it for just a minute and you’ll see I’m right. In “The Fugitive” he is obviously chasing Han Solo Harrison Ford. In “No Country For Old Men” he is chasing everybody else in the movie. In the MIB franchise he is chasing aliens. He chased Ashley Judd in “Double Jeopardy” and he tracked Benico Del Torro in “The Hunted”. Way back in 1980 he chased fame on Sissy Spacek’s coat tails in “Coal Miner’s Daughter”. The list goes on and on. He is really good at finding people. If I ever lose anyone he is going to be the first person I call.

I figure that since TLJ is so awesome at chasing down aliens, bad guys, escaped criminals, mysteries and lost hopes and dreams that he might be able to aid the world in finding some other stuff. And he should totally do it on film with snarky TLJ comments because that makes it better.

  1. The Black Dahlia Murderer This is one of the most gruesome and infamous murders in the history of L.A. Don’t believe me? Then just look at the crime scene photos. (shiver) I think given the right partner, the right hat and the right badge TLJ could have totally solved this case. He would have tracked the killer (who was probably a surgeon, let’s get real here) to some creepy L.A. basement where he had glass jars of human hearts and stuff all stacked up all over the place. TLJ would pull a gun on him and say, “You can’t slice your way out of this one, Slick” and then, you guessed it chase the killer through the house and streets of L.A. before nabbing him in an alley. What? I have a vivid imagination.
  2. Who Killed JFK – Yes, I am aware that Tommy Lee Jones was in the movie JFK. Do you think that was an accident? Not to sound all conspiracy crazy here, but the dude totally knows who done it. He was actually in Dallas the day JFK got shot. And later when he did the movie he did extensive interviews with Garrison. Yeah, he solved this one already. He just can’t let the cat out of the bag. I bet he even knows the truth about the babushka lady. Maybe he is the babushka lady…
  3. Bigfoot, El Chupacabra, and Nessie – This would make an awesome movie. I would totally buy a ticket to see TLJ hunt down the greatest questionable creatures ever known. He would be this badass grissled old cop, the kind who still reads the paper and has a rotary phone. He’d have a Jackalope head mounted on his wall and his partner would have to be played by David Duchovny who would roll his eyes a lot and call him “Pops”. They would prove the existence of all the weird creatures from all over the world… or disprove them. Everyone knows there is no Bigfoot. Duh.
  4. Amelia Earhart I see this as more of a reality show. Cameras follow TLJ as he tracks Amelia’s final flight. He finds clue after clue that seem to have evaded everyone else all these years resulting in him actually finding Amelia’s plane and then her secret island hut. A news report came out last month saying that they may have found the remains of her plane. If they just let TLJ on the scene I bet they would find her plane, the diaries she kept and all of the island crafts she made.
  5. Your KeysWouldn’t this be awesome? You lose your keys…again. But have no fear, Tommy Lee Jones is on the case. He comes over and sits you down for a little talking to. He makes you feel like a dick for losing your keys… again… and for wasting his time, but reassures you that he WILL find them. He always does. He is Tommy Lee Jones: Tracker and finder of missing things. He finds your keys in the freezer an hour later and asks you to be more careful next time. You try to explain to him how busy you are but he just says “I don’t care”. Classic. His phone rings. Someone in Ohio has lost a kitten. He bids you good day and walks out your front door. You cry a single tear as you call after him, but you never see him again.

Thank you Tommy Lee Jones, where ever you are.


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