An Open Letter to the President: Congratulations!

Dear Mr. President,

Congratulations! <High fives you> Well done sir. I’m sure you are still busy celebrating with the wife and kids, and Mr. Biden is probably passed out drunk on your sofa but that’s cool. We all deserve a celebration in honor of America finally standing up for itself. It’s been a while. I mean it has to be a little satisfying to hear Lemmy from Motorhead stand up for you.

I’m really excited about the next four years. I expect you are as well. So much to do! But, I suspect it will be easier than the last four years have been. The country seems to be turning a corner when it comes to gay marriage, and for equality in general. You helped with that. You have also been very helpful with the rights for us ladies. And I thank you for that. I shudder to think what would have happened if Mr. Romney had taken office. I’m thinking it would have been a return to the days of back alley abortions.

You are a President of the people, and for the people. I feel like you get me. Okay, not “me” personally, but me as an unmarried woman. I still count as a human being in your eyes. I kind of don’t count at all as far as Mr. Romney is concerned. I am not a practicing christian, I am not married and I don’t have children. I think as far as Romney is concerned I am not a “real” woman.

But you don’t think of me like that. You think of me as someone who might benefit from cheaper health costs, and from FREE contraception. You think that if I get raped I should be allowed to have an abortion without an ultrasound. You believe that my choices should ultimately be made by me.

And that’s why I voted for you sir. You trust me. So, in return I am going to keep on trusting you. I believe in you. And that’s why I know you are going to stop signing laws that put us in jail. I swear, it is my only real criticism of what you are doing over there in the White House. You know what law I’m talking about, right? The National Defense Authorization Act? Yeah, that one. The one that lets you put American citizens in jail without a trail. It sucks dude. What were you thinking there? Why did you do it? It isn’t really you, you know? It’s like on Buffy when Buffy started acting all weird and her friends were all, “what’s up with Buffy…?” and then they realized she had switched bodies with Faith. Like that. It’s like someone forced you to do it. The Barack Obama I know would have never done such a thing. You get me? So fix it man. Do whats right. Be yourself again.

Anyway sir, congratulations. I am a happy and proud American today. Keep up the good work, and please go on The Daily Show a few more times because that would be awesome. Oh, and could you please tell Michelle she is a total badass for me? Thanks.

Loving your work,




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