12 Ways to Deal with Ann Coulter

I have an ongoing list of people I’d like to punch in the face. The list ebbs and flows like the tide – sometimes it is long, sometimes it is short. Right now the list is down to one solitary person. But this person is so annoying, so totally undeserving of just one solitary punch that I thought up twelve more creative, fun ways to deal with the meanest, most repugnant woman in America.

  1. Send her away… Far away – That’s right. You wanna see what being a cute blond American woman is like NOT in America? Huh? Do ya? I think she’d look real cute wrapped up in a Burqa. I wonder how many people would pay attention to her gaping hole of a mouth if it wasn’t attached to her Barbie doll looks. Maybe if she really didn’t have rights, or physical beauty, she would start to grasp what woman’s rights are really about. Or we could just hit her in the face.
  2. Make her write a thesis on Down Syndrome and Women’s Rights – Two things she hates. Maybe if she actually knew anything about these two topics she wouldn’t be such an asshole about them.
  3. Force her to eat foodWomen like her are skinny because they survive on the souls of babies, and kitten blood. We can’t let this continue. We must force the Skeleton better known as “Ann Coulter” to eat actual food. Maybe she’ll be nicer if she eats some cake.
  4. Cage Match: Ann Coulter vs Elisabeth Hasselbeck – There is only room for one ignorant blond. Let’s make ’em fight for it. My money is Hasselbeck. She’s got experience from fighting on both Survivor and The View. Either way, it would be awesome to watch.
  5. Redirect – That’s what you are supposed to do with kids throwing temper tantrums. So maybe every time she starts acting up in an interview the host can jangle some keys in front of her or send her to “the alone spot” so she can think about her actions. I know. It doesn’t work with kids either.
  6. Tweets – Just for Her – Since you can’t take away her right to send out stupid tweets, maybe we can take out the sting. Every time she Tweets it will be followed by this sound: http://sadtrombone.com/ Try it! Here is Ann talking about taking away women’s right to vote: “If we take away women’s right to vote, we’d never have to worry about another Democrat President.  It’s sort of a pipe dream, a personal fantasy of mine.” http://sadtrombone.com/
  7. Send her to live with Honey Boo Boo – I don’t have any good reason for this. I just think it would make her totally miserable. If there is one family in the world who doesn’t give two shits about her rhetoric, it’s that family.
  8. Put her under the Brooklyn Bridge – Traditionally, trolls live under bridges.
  9. I hear The Tower of London has a vacancy… – The Tower of London is a  symbol of oppression, inflicted upon London by the new ruling elite. I think it’s a perfect spot for her.
  10. She sits in a room for hours on end listening to … 
  11. Make everyone ask for her permission before using the toilet – I swear, there is nothing more annoying than people asking for permission to use the toilet all day. By the third one you are ready to jump out a window. So, I think it would be awesome to have anyone who is in a room with Ann Coulter ask her for permission to go to the bathroom as needed. All day. Every day. In an elevator. At the Zoo. In an interview. At home. EVERYWHERE.
  12. Tell her she’s got her own TV show – But it never airs. Ever. She goes in, week after week and does a show. She has guests. She has a set. Everything is real except for the fact that it never airs. She thinks she’s out there being a hateful bitch, but in reality every one has forgotten she ever existed. Life gets just a little sunnier. The ozone layer begins to mend. People are nicer to each other, and political parties start working together. Nobody can remember why things changed, but nobody cares. Folks are just too busy getting along to care.

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