10 Worst Performances in Movie Musicals

I’m a singer. I have been singing since I was a little kid and I have never stopped. I’m good at it. Really good. I am telling you this not to toot my own horn, but as a way of saying, I know what I am talking about. That being said, I finally saw the film version of Les Miserables. For the most part it was good. Ms. Hathaway brought me to tears, and I found the rest of the cast just as good. Well, almost everyone.

  1. Russell Crowe (Les Miserables) – I know that Russell Crowe sings in a rock n roll band somewhere in Australia. Maybe he is really good at singing in a band, I don’t know. What I DO know is that fronting a band and singing an operatic Broadway ballad are two totally different things. Someone should have told him that. 
  2. Pierce Brosnan (Mama Mia!) – Look at it this way, Pierce. You don’t get to be super handsome, super talented, and be James Bond without having to pay a price. So you aren’t the best singer in the world, who cares! You are James Bond dammit! Be proud. And be grateful that you didn’t have more singing in that movie. You did a great job holding your own. We can’t all be the incomparable Meryl Streep – who CAN do anything.  
  3. Clint Eastwood (Paint Your Wagon) – Clint Eastwood has many talents, but singing ain’t one of them. Although, I do have a soft spot in my heart for his duet with Merle Haggard in Bronco Billy. They sing a song called “Bar Room Buddies” and I know it by heart. But in Paint Your Wagon Clint has to really sing. Here he is singing “I talk to the trees”. Not the worst song ever, but wow… it’s still bad. 
  4. Julia Roberts (Everyone Says I love You) – I know it isn’t really fair of me to choose her for this, but life isn’t fair. See, Woody Allen wanted to do a musical. But he wanted it to be real. Like what if regular people just broke into song like in the movies. A great idea, except in real life people who look like Julia Roberts sound like a fish. I like her, I really do. But this is just awful. 
  5. Marlon Brando (Guys and Dolls) – I lovingly file this in the “so bad it’s good” category. One of the all time great movie musicals, with the added bonus of Marlon Brando singing “Luck Be a Lady Tonight”. How this happened, I don’t know. He is a terrible singer. espically when he is put next to pros like Sinatra. 
  6. Sylvester Stallone (Rhinestone) – This whole film is awful. Sly’s outfit is amazing. 
  7. Maria Bello (Duets) – You would think that a movie about career karaoke singers would have great voices, right? Wrong. Even though I love this movie for its kitsch value, and I am the biggest karaoke fan ever, it pissed me off. There was dubbed singing (Andre Braugher), and then… Maria Bello. What the hell was that? She’s supposed to be this great singer who is just down on her luck? She wouldn’t win a singing contest in a room full of deaf mutes. 
  8. Mae West and Timothy Dalton (Sextette) – This is also to be filed in the “It’s SO bad it’s good” category. Mae West plays basically a caricature of herself in this, one of the greatest film blunders of all time. She plays a woman who is so alluring that men cannot say no. She also wears all of the make-up. All of it. Like, there is none left for me now since she took it all. Here is James Bond and Mae West singing “Love Will Keep Us Together”. It’s awesome.  
  9. Gerard Butler (Phantom of the Opera) – I saw this show on stage not once, not twice, but three times. And with three different Phantoms – including Micheal Crawford and Robert Guillaume. Gerard Butler might be a hottie, but his singing sucks. SUCKS. This is what happens when people around you only tell you good things. 
  10. Christopher Lee (The Return of Captain Invincible) – I don’t care if this is bad singing. This is pure cinematic gold. It doesn’t get better (or worse) than this. It makes me happy every time I watch it. Sir Christopher Lee plays Mr. Midnight and he sings about alcohol in what has to be the weirdest, most awesome song in a movie ever. EVER! There are raunchy back up singers, and weird monsters dancing around. So, “Drink! drink! drink! drink!” (And yes, That IS Alan Arkin as Captain Invincible, the alcoholic super hero.) 

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