Here is a list of my all time favorite movie Assholes. An asshole is different from a villain. e.g. Dr. Rene Belloq is to an asshole what Darth Vader is to a villain. If you haven’t seen these movies then don’t read this. Spoilers ahead!
- Bill (Kill Bill trilogy) – You know how you would feel really uncomfortable if your ex came to your wedding…with a crew of deadly assassins hell-bent on killing you? Yeah, me too. Bill takes the (wedding) cake for on-screen assholish behavior. He kills everyone she knows because she wanted to leave him. Dick. On top of that, he’s been raising their daughter and kept it a secret while she was in a coma. I mean, come on.
- Steff (Pretty in Pink) – This is probably my all time favorite asshole. I actually kind of like Steff. He’s a straight shooter who tells it like it is. I can respect that. Played to perfection by James Spader, Steff plays the foil to Andrew McCarthy’s sad and whiney Blane. This guy smokes in school hallways, spits on the floors, wears suits to school, treats his friends and family like shit, and you wouldn’t believe the things he says. When his drunk and equally bitchy girlfriend is getting in Blane’s face, he turns to her and says,”You really are worthless.” When Blane is sad about his life and his problems are many, Steff simply gives him this advice:”Why don’t you go take a shower, you look like shit.”
- Hardy Jenns (Some Kind of Wonderful) – Because of this movie, whenever my BFF and I came across a total asshole in High School we would look at each other and say, “…with TWO n’s…”. Hardy Jenns was that special asshole who had money, money and good looks and a nice car and then some more money. He hits all the major asshole points: He wears blazers to class, drives an expensive car, wears sunglasses all of the fucking time, and he dates and mistreats the hottest girl of the 80’s. He calls his girlfriend his property, and when he gets caught in the girls locker room, he tells the teacher to relax – there’s nothing he hasn’t seen before. Hardy Jenns. With TWO n’s.
- Richard Vernon (The Breakfast Club) – While we are on the subject of John Hugh’s assholes… I give you Mr. Vernon! Again, he is the uniting force in the movie. The one thing that all of these kids from such super really totally different lives have in common. He’s the asshole principal who makes them come to detention on Saturday. A Saturday! As if that’s not bad enough he asks them to write a paper explaining who they think they are. Seriously? You give a high schooler that assignment and you don’t expect a sarcastic paper? Bitch, please. You mess with the bull you get the horns.
- Carter Burke (Aliens) – I remember seeing this in the movie theater and people stood and cheered when Paul Riser met his match. Basically he is the quintessential company man. He is greedy, mean, dishonest and condescending. He takes a ship full of marines to a deserted planet knowing full well that there are scary fucking monsters out there. Then, when all hell breaks loose he tries to impregnate Ripley and Newt with alien babies. This guy!
- Iceman (Top Gun) – Yeah, Iceman will get all up in your face! That’s right. Then he’ll just snap his teeth at you all freaky like. Why? Because you are dangerous. Val Kilmer took the fairly small and definitely subplot character and had fun with him. He gave Iceman a cocky attitude, a buzz cut and pecks to die for. Iceman can spike a volleyball and then spin it on his finger. What an asshole. He’d probably do it right in front of your girlfriend just to make you look bad. But who has the last laugh Iceman? Huh? I’ll give y’all a couple of seconds to google current pictures of both Tom Cruise and Val Kilmer. It pays to be nice.
- Mr. Blonde (Reservoir Dogs) – To be fair, you could pick just about any character from a Tarantino film and put them on this list. But, I am singling out Mr. Blonde for special dispensation. For those of you who haven’t seen this movie, too fucking bad. you should have seen it by now. It is awesome. Mr. Blonde takes a bad situation (a robbery gone bad) and makes it worse (takes a cop hostage). Everyone leaves the room and Mr. Blonde is left alone with the doomed cop. He doesn’t kill the cop outright. He teases him, cuts off his ear, does a little dance and doused him with gasoline. I told you. Asshole.
William Zabka – This man made a career of playing douchy asshole rich kids in the 80’s. He was awesome as Johnny in karate kid, chasing poor Daniel-san around the school. Never has a skeleton costume been so intimidating. He played a variation of “Johnny” in European Vacation, Back to School, and Karate Kid II. Here he is kicking ass.
William Atherton – It is hard to choose a favorite asshole role of William Atherton. They are all so very good. You could go with the sleazy TV journalist Richard Thornberg from Die Hard. I know my boyfriend is partial to his portrayal of Walter Peck in Ghostbusters. My personal favorite is Dr. Jerry Hathaway in the over looked comedy classic Real Genius – with Val Kilmer. I also enjoyed him as a “different but totally the same” asshole doctor in Bio-Dome. But I enjoyed everything about Bio-Dome. (Fun Fact: William Zabka and William Atherton create the perfect asshole storm when they appear together on the TV show “The Equalizer”.)