I used to have a Bucket List. I say “used to” because I have no idea where that list is, and I managed to do a lot of it before I hit 40. Bad. Ass. For example just recently I was “Freshly Pressed” (Check!) I have messed with Texas (Check!), lived in another country (actually two… Check!), owned brass knuckles, hiked The Grand Canyon and Pike’s Peak, and written a novel. (Check, Check and double Check!) I guess it’s time that I make a new list.
But I’m not in the mood. Instead, I am going to create my Anti Bucket List – a list of things you will NEVER do. Some people might think this is “negative”. Maybe. If you have a problem with it then don’t make one. I always said I would NEVER live in Texas, and look what happened. Never say never. One way of figuring out what you DO want in life is knowing what you DON’T.
My Anti-Bucket List
- I will never do hard drugs. The window for me to experiment with drugs is way closed. I am officially too old for cocaine. People my age who start doing drugs look sad and desperate. People my age who already do drugs look sad and desperate.
- I will never skydive.
- I will never paint my face, wear a “cheese head” or a Team Jersey to a sports game. Seriously. The worst people ever. Nobody wants to know the guy in the cheese head. And they certainly don’t want to sit next to him and his gang of beer-bellied buddies out for a day of drinking and screaming as loud as they can for no good reason. There are even women who do this. I have nothing to say to them. I assume the shame feels bad enough.
- I will never ask my fella to wear a matching outfit. Yes, I read about that adorable couple who wore matching outfits for like three decades, and they are adorable. But when couples (or even worse, Families!) wear matching outfits I just want to punch them in the face. Way to show your individuality! “Johnny? Suzie? You can be anything you want to be… as long as it fits within the guidelines set out by your mother.”
- I will never wear a UT shirt. Ever. EVER.
- I will never call a radio station and request a Faith No More Song.
- I will never tell a child there isn’t any Santa Claus. I’m all for lying to kids. As a teacher it’s part of the job. And it’s fun. But Santa? That’s mom and dad’s problem. Santa makes kids happy. If you want to ruin a kid’s idea of Christmas, that’s on you.
- I will never get plastic surgery.
- I will never buy another car. I hate driving, so why would I want to own a car? I try to live in places with good public transit and bike lanes. Cheaper too!
- I will never do a body shot. I’m not the classiest lady in the world, but I’m classier than that.
- I will never have a baby. I don’t want one.
- I will never pay money for Starbucks Coffee or a Keanu Reeves film. This has been a long-time, standing rule of mine. I loathe Starbucks as a company and I refuse to help them profit. And I don’t pay money to watch shitty actors. Sorry Keanu.
- I will never have a one night stand. That’s right. I am 39 years old and I can proudly say that I have never had a one night stand. Even after living in Prague for seven years.
- I will never own or wear Croc’s (or Uggs.) When you wear Croc’s you are sending a message to the world at large. That message is: I give up. Send me a Moo-Moo.
- I will never eat canned tuna. I find the smell revolting, and the idea of canned fish makes me a little ill. With all of the delicious fresh tuna, why… WHY eat that smelly canned stuff?