An Open Letter to Donald Trump

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Donald,

Can I call you Donald? I hope so because I won’t call you Mr. President. I don’t know if I should feel sad or angry today. Or just horrified. How do you feel? Do you feel? I sometimes wonder. I mean there is a right side and a wrong side of history, and you ARE the wrong side. Do you get that?

I’m a NASTY WOMAN. I’m talking horrid. Super Duper Nasty. I’m disgusting! And this Nasty Woman isn’t scared of little boys like you. And there are a lot of us. Hillary. Michelle. Beyoncé. Samantha. Megan. We are legion, and we are a helluva lot stronger than you are. We are daughters. We are wives. We are mothers. We are fighters.

And we’re not scared of you.

That’s right. We’re not scared of you. Not even a little. You are a tiny man who used the most undereducated voters to win. You used fear. Good for you, you clown. People like you try to scare people like me. But it doesn’t work. Because I’m smarter than you. I read books. Lots of books with words… all the best words. 

“The split in America, rather than simply economic, is between those who embrace reason, who function in the real world of cause and effect, and those who, numbed by isolation and despair, now seek meaning in a mythical world of intuition, a world that is no longer reality-based, a world of magic.” ― Chris Hedges, American Fascists: The Christian Right and the War on America

If you understood that, then you’ll get why the entire country is pissed today. Because we just put a fascist in the White House. You won because you pandered to the Americans who think they are being ‘displaced’. You pandered to people who are scared to lose their guns, lives, homes, money, country…anything…

But like I said. That’s not me. I don’t scare easy, and it takes more than a big, orange molester to scare me. I’ve gone up against men scarier than you. I can do it again.

I’m not scared of you because… You are a bigot. You openly hate people based on the color of their skin, or where they were born. That is something ignorant, stupid people do. Smart people look to those different to see what they can learn. Smart people think about how differences make us stronger. Not you. You want to build walls and deport people and assault women and who knows what else since you never really laid out any actual plans. Idiot.

I’m not scared of you because… you are scared of women. That’s right. You are scared of us. You called Hillary a nasty woman because you are scared of her. Of all of us. Of what our power, together, united could do. Will do. You judge women based on their looks. How “Hot” they are to you. (Good thing for you voters didn’t do the same. You fat, ugly, incoherent windbag.)

American women have been putting up with dickheads like you for decades. At home. At work. Walking to work. At the store. You name it. We get told about ourselves all the fucking time. (Just ask all of your ex wives! Two out of three being IMMIGRANTS, I might add.) Now we get to deal with a self-loving, woman hating, dickhead in the White House. And after Obama! He loved us! It sucks, but we’ll manage. Because we are not afraid of you. Hillary Clinton wasn’t scared of you. She’s smarter than you. You know it. She knows it. We know it. Her husband knows it. And speaking of Bill… please, PLEASE stop pointing out that Bill Clinton cheated on her twenty years ago. You hit on your own daughter in public all the time. You don’t deserve my respect. Or my fear. Just my vomit.

I’m not scared of you because... you are not intimidating. You are a joke. You mock people. You make little “jokes” at their expense. (Here’s a clue. A joke is supposed to be funny) You mutter under your breath like a child in trouble. Being afraid of you would be like being afraid of a three-year old.

And finally I’m not scared of you because I won’t let you take my rights aways from me. Or any woman. I won’t let you step on the constitution and I won’t let you try to hurt my immigrant brothers and sisters. My LGBTQ friends and neighbors. I won’t let you forget that BLACK LIVES MATTER. That WOMENS LIVES MATTER. That my body is MY BODY and if you even think of grabbing me by the pussy you’ll regret it.

So Fuck you, Donald. I don’t respect you now and I won’t when you are sworn in. You are a liar, a cheater, an idiot, and a bad salesman. And a bad writer. Your book is a piece of shit just like all of your businesses. Which You’ve bankrupted. And now you get to be in charge of Fucking Over America and our Daughters. And our Sons. You’ve set this country back decades with your bullshit machismo. With your blatant racism.

We had a chance to keep moving forward but collectively chose to move backwards. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.

And it’s all your fault.

 

Sincerely,

Alicia

An Open Letter to America About Guns

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Dear America,
In the wake of a disgustingly violent weekend, and I’m just talking about the two incidents in Florida, I have no choice but to say a few words. Ask a few questions.

First off, what’s wrong with Florida? On June 10th IN ORLANDO, a 22 year old singer named Christina Grimmie was shot in a crowd of her fans after one of her concerts. The man who killed her had TWO HANDGUNS and a KNIFE. On June 12th, IN ORLANDO, 49 people were killed and 53 injured when a man opened fire in a gay night club. THAT’S 50 PEOPLE DEAD IN TWO DAYS. BY TWO MEN. WITH 2 GUNS, EACH. IN THE SAME CITY.

If we don’t see the problem by now America, we are as blind as we pretend Justice is.

The problem is a simple one: GUNS. If you are one of those assholes American’s who claim otherwise, let me break it down for you. Your right to bear arms is NOT more important than ANY human life. Period. I don’t care if you disagree with someone about what god they choose to believe in (A CHOICE!) or who they love (NOT A CHOICE!) We are off balance. We value guns more than the life of a human being. If it was otherwise, we wouldn’t be the WORLD LEADER IN MASS KILLINGS.  It’s obvious that we don’t care about each other. If you disagree with that statement, you are either Donald Trump, my brother, or an ignorant asshole. 

But it doesn’t have to be this way. We don’t have to let any of the aforementioned assholes get us off track. We are smarter than they are! The problem isn’t a religious one. Guns have nothing to do with whatever god you decide to worship. The problem is guns. WHY doesn’t matter. I don’t give a shit WHY that asshole went to a pop concert and shot a talented, young woman to death. It won’t change the fact that he did it. With ease. Knowing why won’t help to stop the next asshole. Because he’ll have a different why. That fuckwad who killed my gay brothers and sisters during PRIDE MONTH had his own fucked up reasons for killing. Stupid, ignorant reasons. All HATE CRIMES are based in ignorance. As long as we are focused on the WHY, we won’t fix or change anything.

AS LONG AS THERE ARE GUNS, PEOPLE WILL MAKE EXCUSES TO KILL.  

GOD. SATAN. RAGE. VOICES. RIGHTEOUS INDIGNATION. MY DOG TOLD ME TO DO IT. MY GOD TOLD ME TO DO IT. I WANTED TO SEE HOW IT FELT. I AM RIGHT. YOU ARE WRONG. YOU WON’T LOVE ME. I WANT WHAT YOU HAVE. IT’S MINE.

As a society… as a country we need to keep the focus where it belongs. On the problem. Which if you haven’t been paying attention is GUNS. Donald Drumph would love nothing more than to help you forget that the man who killed 49 people in a nightclub had AN ASSAULT RIFLE. He WANTS YOU to think of ISIS and Muslims. He wants you to FORGET that this was an attack on the Queer community which was COMPLETELY AVOIDABLE. Why in the fucking world are regular everyday citizens allowed to have military grade assault weapons? Why? There ARE no good reasons.There is never a good enough reason.  Only bad excuses. And those need to stop. The bullying by those in power needs to stop. The name calling and degrading needs to stop.

Our country has turned into one of callousness. We care for the moment and then return to our daily lives of selfies and Snapchats. We ignore things we don’t like, and people we don’t like. If we don’t like what we see or hear, we block it out. None of my concern. The shooter at the nightclub has an ex-wife who describes him as abusive. His colleagues said he used racial and sexual slurs. At work. His family described him as homophobic with rage problems. The FBI looked at him in 2013 for threats to a co-worker. Yet the motherfucker had TWO conceal and carry licences. How many people in this man’s life felt he was off his rocker? A LOT! And yet…

How did someone like that slip through so many cracks? It seems to me that he could have been stopped from harming people years ago if more people had spoken up. Silence is the accomplice here. Our collective silence. We Tweet. We Instagram. We publish our collective outrage to FaceBook. BUT THAT IS’NT ENOUGH.

We, as Americans need to be vocal. All the time. And I’m not talking about changing your profile picture, or wearing a ribbon. I’m talking real action. In my life, when I see someone being mistreated, I fucking say something. Sure it gets me into trouble, but at least I can feel alright at the end of the day. When you’re with your friends hanging out, and someone starts talking about building a wall, or excluding people – SAY SOMETHING. When you hear someone use a racial slur, or homophobic language – SAY SOMETHING. Don’t be scared! That’s how ignorance wins. Trump, ISIS, any of those terrorists – are just big, fat, bullies with a big fat mouths. And big fat GUNS. They scream over people, use ignorant speech, and when that doesn’t work they shoot guns. They want to drown the rest of us out. Don’t let them.

Write letters to your congress-people and Senators! They pay attention because they want to keep their jobs. And they only do that when you vote for them. Be vocal. Get involved. 

Here:

http://pushprofile.com/congress-fax-numbers/

http://www.senate.gov/senators/contact/

Thanks for listening, America.

The Girl.

Slacktivism

tumblr_mke3vsTpkr1qkd1ybo1_1280I am usually not a supporter of “Slacktivism”. I find it rather silly and doesn’t do one bit of good for whatever cause you think you are supporting. How is posting the color of my bra as a status update supposed to show that I am fighting for a cure to breast cancer? How is changing my profile picture to anything count as ‘activism’? It doesn’t. Not usually. That’s why they call it “Slacktivism”. It’s activism without doing anything, thus Slacktivism.

But I did change my profile picture to the red equal sign, and I’ll tell you why. First off, the sign is from the Human Rights Campaign, and it is to show congress that America – ALL OF AMERICA – supports marriage equality. It was a genius campaign of peer pressure that resulted in 13 members of congress showing the sign.

Peer pressure can be an effective tool for enacting change in people who are too dumb to do it on their own. Every single argument that has been made to “protect marriage” has been dismantled. Seeing all the red out there is inspiring. It’s making me think that maybe this will inspire people towards REAL activism. Maybe this will inspire people to speak up when they hear someone say “…that’s so gay…”, or attend the next Gay Pride march.

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At the very least, the red equal sign has hushed the idiots. Maybe seeing all that red made people think twice before posting a derogatory slur. Maybe it inspired one asshole to change the way he thinks. Even if it only got one person to stop and think about human rights, and what it means to be human, then it was worth it. 

ANd it can’t end there. I challenge you to prove you are not just an armchair warrior. If you were one of the millions of people who proudly changed your profile picture to a red equal sign, I challenge you to take it to the next level. Get off your ass and become an activist. Don’t be scared. You have already taken the first step! You were outraged enough to publicly state “I demand change!” That’s a good thing. Now all you have to do is get out there and show the people you mean it. Talk the talk. Walk the walk. Find a fun event taking place in your city that supports the LGBT community. Write a letter to your congresswoman or man. Donate money to the Human Rights Campaign.

Change starts when you let it. Let it.

News Round Up

There is a lot going on in the world. And rather than write a dozen posts I thought I just put them all together and serve ’em up raw. Here’s my two cents on the news of the day.

  1. The New PopeurlMeet the new boss, same as the old boss. Why bother with popes? Can someone please explain to me why people still care what some old, religious dude thinks? And do you want to know what he thinks? He thinks same-sex marriage is the work of the devil. He said gay adoption is a form of discrimination against children. Hey Francis! You wanna know what is actually bad for children? Rape. Molestation. Catholicism. Anyone following a strict catholic doctrine in this day and age deserves what they get. 
  2. Daylight Savings – Again. What is the point here? With solar panels, and gadgets and really smart people who make really smart things, I don’t see why we need daylight savings for farmers anymore. I am pretty sure this is like all the “No alcohol before noon” laws here in the land that time forgot Texas. You know, just some old rule that nobody bothered to change and now we just live with it.
  3. SXSWSN856684So, here I am in Austin Texas right down the street from the worlds biggest live hipster festival. It also features music and interactive game stuff and movies. It’s pretty cool. I think. I went to see the gaming part by accident, but it was really fun. And there are a ton of celebrities and famous people in town. Now, I’m from LA so I don’t give a shit about meeting famous people, but I do give a shit about seeing some cool bands for free and drinking some free beer. That’s what tomorrow is for. I’m looking forward to some day drinking.

Wow. I kind of thought I’d have more to write about, but I don’t. Politics change so fast there isn’t really much point in having an opinion. Yes I am watching American Idol and I think a woman can and should win this year. I’m not naming names until I see how “America” voted for this first round. What else…more cruise ships leaving folks dead or stranded. Why do people take cruises again? Who wants to be on a floating hotel for the majority of your trip? Anyway, maybe it’s just not for me. That’s all for now. I’ll have a full SXSW review if I see/hear/play anything worth talking about.

12 Ways to Deal with Ann Coulter

I have an ongoing list of people I’d like to punch in the face. The list ebbs and flows like the tide – sometimes it is long, sometimes it is short. Right now the list is down to one solitary person. But this person is so annoying, so totally undeserving of just one solitary punch that I thought up twelve more creative, fun ways to deal with the meanest, most repugnant woman in America.

  1. Send her away… Far away – That’s right. You wanna see what being a cute blond American woman is like NOT in America? Huh? Do ya? I think she’d look real cute wrapped up in a Burqa. I wonder how many people would pay attention to her gaping hole of a mouth if it wasn’t attached to her Barbie doll looks. Maybe if she really didn’t have rights, or physical beauty, she would start to grasp what woman’s rights are really about. Or we could just hit her in the face.
  2. Make her write a thesis on Down Syndrome and Women’s Rights – Two things she hates. Maybe if she actually knew anything about these two topics she wouldn’t be such an asshole about them.
  3. Force her to eat foodWomen like her are skinny because they survive on the souls of babies, and kitten blood. We can’t let this continue. We must force the Skeleton better known as “Ann Coulter” to eat actual food. Maybe she’ll be nicer if she eats some cake.
  4. Cage Match: Ann Coulter vs Elisabeth Hasselbeck – There is only room for one ignorant blond. Let’s make ’em fight for it. My money is Hasselbeck. She’s got experience from fighting on both Survivor and The View. Either way, it would be awesome to watch.
  5. Redirect – That’s what you are supposed to do with kids throwing temper tantrums. So maybe every time she starts acting up in an interview the host can jangle some keys in front of her or send her to “the alone spot” so she can think about her actions. I know. It doesn’t work with kids either.
  6. Tweets – Just for Her – Since you can’t take away her right to send out stupid tweets, maybe we can take out the sting. Every time she Tweets it will be followed by this sound: http://sadtrombone.com/ Try it! Here is Ann talking about taking away women’s right to vote: “If we take away women’s right to vote, we’d never have to worry about another Democrat President.  It’s sort of a pipe dream, a personal fantasy of mine.” http://sadtrombone.com/
  7. Send her to live with Honey Boo Boo – I don’t have any good reason for this. I just think it would make her totally miserable. If there is one family in the world who doesn’t give two shits about her rhetoric, it’s that family.
  8. Put her under the Brooklyn Bridge – Traditionally, trolls live under bridges.
  9. I hear The Tower of London has a vacancy… – The Tower of London is a  symbol of oppression, inflicted upon London by the new ruling elite. I think it’s a perfect spot for her.
  10. She sits in a room for hours on end listening to … 
  11. Make everyone ask for her permission before using the toilet – I swear, there is nothing more annoying than people asking for permission to use the toilet all day. By the third one you are ready to jump out a window. So, I think it would be awesome to have anyone who is in a room with Ann Coulter ask her for permission to go to the bathroom as needed. All day. Every day. In an elevator. At the Zoo. In an interview. At home. EVERYWHERE.
  12. Tell her she’s got her own TV show – But it never airs. Ever. She goes in, week after week and does a show. She has guests. She has a set. Everything is real except for the fact that it never airs. She thinks she’s out there being a hateful bitch, but in reality every one has forgotten she ever existed. Life gets just a little sunnier. The ozone layer begins to mend. People are nicer to each other, and political parties start working together. Nobody can remember why things changed, but nobody cares. Folks are just too busy getting along to care.

An Open Letter to the President: Congratulations!

Dear Mr. President,

Congratulations! <High fives you> Well done sir. I’m sure you are still busy celebrating with the wife and kids, and Mr. Biden is probably passed out drunk on your sofa but that’s cool. We all deserve a celebration in honor of America finally standing up for itself. It’s been a while. I mean it has to be a little satisfying to hear Lemmy from Motorhead stand up for you.

I’m really excited about the next four years. I expect you are as well. So much to do! But, I suspect it will be easier than the last four years have been. The country seems to be turning a corner when it comes to gay marriage, and for equality in general. You helped with that. You have also been very helpful with the rights for us ladies. And I thank you for that. I shudder to think what would have happened if Mr. Romney had taken office. I’m thinking it would have been a return to the days of back alley abortions.

You are a President of the people, and for the people. I feel like you get me. Okay, not “me” personally, but me as an unmarried woman. I still count as a human being in your eyes. I kind of don’t count at all as far as Mr. Romney is concerned. I am not a practicing christian, I am not married and I don’t have children. I think as far as Romney is concerned I am not a “real” woman.

But you don’t think of me like that. You think of me as someone who might benefit from cheaper health costs, and from FREE contraception. You think that if I get raped I should be allowed to have an abortion without an ultrasound. You believe that my choices should ultimately be made by me.

And that’s why I voted for you sir. You trust me. So, in return I am going to keep on trusting you. I believe in you. And that’s why I know you are going to stop signing laws that put us in jail. I swear, it is my only real criticism of what you are doing over there in the White House. You know what law I’m talking about, right? The National Defense Authorization Act? Yeah, that one. The one that lets you put American citizens in jail without a trail. It sucks dude. What were you thinking there? Why did you do it? It isn’t really you, you know? It’s like on Buffy when Buffy started acting all weird and her friends were all, “what’s up with Buffy…?” and then they realized she had switched bodies with Faith. Like that. It’s like someone forced you to do it. The Barack Obama I know would have never done such a thing. You get me? So fix it man. Do whats right. Be yourself again.

Anyway sir, congratulations. I am a happy and proud American today. Keep up the good work, and please go on The Daily Show a few more times because that would be awesome. Oh, and could you please tell Michelle she is a total badass for me? Thanks.

Loving your work,

Alicia

 

I’m So Over…

Here is a short list of things I am so very tired of hearing about, seeing, or doing. I will post a counter list of “Things I’m Crazy About” next, so you can keep your “Why are you so negative?” comments to yourself. Thanks. Enjoy!

  1. Hangovers – Thanks, but no thanks. You’d think after seven years in the Czech Republic I’d be used to hangovers. But here’s the thing: most Czech beers don’t leave you with a hangover. True story. So, fast forward three months and give Alicia some American beers, whiskey and one night out on the town and I’m over it. Done. Spending the day feeling like I want to barf, poop and die all at the same time isn’t very alluring for me. For that matter either is getting shit faced drunk. There are plenty of other ways to have a good time.
  2. People who use the words “Fail”, “Brosef”, “Amazing”, “Genius”, “Shaming” – Please stop. You are only hurting yourself. I know it seems cool to jump on the Trendy Bandwagon, but it isn’t. That bandwagon is full of other people JUST LIKE YOU who think they are being clever and witty and original when in fact they are just regurgitating phrases they heard on SNL, Twitter, Facebook or Buzzfeed. You are better than that and you know it. Stop trying so hard, because it just makes you look sad.
  3. Bad SportsmanshipI can’t tell you how completely exhausting it is to play games with children who haven’t been taught how to lose. It is an elegant skill that seems to have been totally forgotten in this country. We are teaching our youth that they should expect to win, that if they get bored (read: they are losing) they can just quit, and that whining when they lose is acceptable. Where do they get this? Oh, right… grown ups. Just look at the Presidential debates of this last month. The President of the US was condemned for not being aggressive enough in a debate when I thought he showed poise and grace. Contestants on reality shows whine or cry when they lose. Teaching people that if they follow the rules of the game they will win is not a good idea. Just because you lose doesn’t automatically mean the other guy is cheating.
  4. Women who use ‘The F word’ excessively, and give ‘The Bird’ in pictures  My fella and I went into a little shop yesterday. Within five minutes of speaking with the female clerk I was ready to leave. She dropped the F Bomb at least ten times in that five minutes. Classy. I don’t like it when men do it either, but I feel a special kind of gross when I hear women do it. It doesn’t make you cooler to talk like a trucker. It doesn’t make you look like Johnny Cash when you throw up the middle finger in a party picture. It makes you look like an idiot. A cliché. Kristen Stewart. Excessive cussing coupled with tongue out, middle finger up pictures are no better than the stupid looking “duck lips” photos that ladies are ever so fond of. Please stop. You look like a tool.
  5. Owls, Sloths, and other animals that look like Zooey Deschanel I know, animals are cool. And the baby ones are super cute. I get it. But maybe we can all decide that just because Kristen Bell is into sloths doesn’t mean I have to be. Just because Zooey Deschanel’s stylist decided that owls were hip, doesn’t mean you have to go along for the sad ride. Just because H&M is selling printed screen T’s of owls playing with kittens doesn’t mean it is a good idea to wear it. Why? Well, because everyone else already is. Yeah, you are so off the beaten path, so totally not mainstream with your owl ring that everyone else has. Le sigh…
  6. GLEE I tried really, really hard to stick with Glee. I suffered through love triangles, John Stamos, and even a horrific retelling of The Rocky Horror Show. But I stuck with it. Why? I am a musical theater geek. I admit that proudly. I love movies and TV shows that have singing and dancing. But Glee jumped the shark this year with the introduction of Wade “Unique” Adams – a cross dressing, singing and dancing, pro equality character who looks like a cross between Tyler Perry and Patti LaBelle. The dude is talented, no doubt. He can sing. But why, WHY do I have to watch that? I get it, Glee is a show about including everyone, and a show that promotes gay equality. YAY! But putting a teen kid in drag and having him sing Beyoncé songs doesn’t further your platform. It makes your platform look like a joke. Glee made a few wrong turns this year, but none as wrong as Unique.

Politics as Usual

Politics usually brings out the worst in people. The reason being that most of us have some very strong feelings about things like the economy, drugs, rights and freedom. Most of believe we are right, but pretend to have an open mind about “the other side”. If you are on Facebook then you probably know what I am talking about – post after post after post about how this candidate is a jerk, and that candidate is a wimp. My side is right and your side is wrong.

And I can handle that. I often post articles that are pro Obama. His views and policies line up pretty well with my own. We both believe that gay people should have the right to marry. (Mitt Romney does not.) We both believe that a woman should have full control over her own body. (Mitt Romney does not.) These two areas are so important to me that the other issues take a back burner. It’s not that they are not important, it’s that I cannot, and will not vote for anyone who doesn’t believe in equality for all people. Mitt Romney doesn’t believe in equality for all people, so I’m voting for the other guy.

I’ve gotten into a few Facebook arguments about the election. Most of these online debates were about things like the economy or social security, and at least once over whether or not Romney was animatronic. I think I won that one, but anyway… Fighting about politics is fine, but what do you do when the statments start turning ugly? What do you do when profanity is introduced, or when the conversation goes from being cordial to personal attacks? I stop engaging.

But what do you do when you are related to the person who said the comment and the comment was racist? Yep, racist. This happened to me this week. I was looking at the FB page of a relative of mine and saw a blatantly racist comment about the President. And it wasn’t the first time. I didn’t know what to do. Do I say something? Will they listen? I mean, it was embarrassing for me seeing it out there and quite honestly it was pissing me off. I couldn’t delete the relative because they are my relative. But I couldn’t NOT say anything because I would say something to anyone else who thought that kind of talk was alright.

Race has nothing to do with which candidate will make the best President. Your decision should be based on facts and your own personal beliefs, not on which candidate looks most like you. Using derogative language instead of a person’s name is mean and pointless. And it just makes you look like a jerk. Like an ignorant jerk!

I ended up sending out a brief private message basically saying what I said in the last paragraph. It probably won’t make a difference, but at least I’ll be able to sleep at night knowing I stayed true to myself. I guess the moral of the story is – be careful with what you say, and how you say it. You never know who might be reading it.

 

Life Off-line

Hi there friends. I bet you have noticed a lack of witty and amusing posts from me lately. Heck, a lack of posts in general. And for this I am sorry. As you know I have recently relocated and have yet to get an internet connection in my flat, but I am told that it will happen by Monday. I have been able to get on line for about ten minutes a day – enough time for me to check my email and Facebook, and skim the news. I promise I will return with much awesomness ASAP. I am braving the coffee shop across the street to write this post. Here are my thoughts on whats going on in the world…

RNC – I am so happy that all of those republicans stood up in front of the entire world and said stupid things out loud. If anyone out there is even contemplating a vote for Romney, you haven’t really been paying attention. No thinking person would want to affiliate themselves with whats going on over there.

Speeches By Michelle & Bill – I hear these two speeches at the DNC were awesome and that I need a tissue handy to watch them. Clinton has always been a favorite of mine, and I still have a crush on him. Michelle Obama is by far the coolest, smartest, hottest, and most badass First Lady we have had since… ever. I can’t wait to watch! I even heard that a reporter on FOX news said that those two speeches pretty much won the election for Obama. As cool as that is, I don’t think calling a winner this far in advance is a good idea. But, it is FOX news, after all.

Starlettes – In brief, I think we should all leave Kristen, LiLo, Rihanna and the rest of them alone. If Rihanna is stupid enough to keep dating the untalented douchbag who beat her, and then kiss him on national television – then thats her bad. I don’t like her music anyway so I couldn’t give two shits. As for LiLo and Kristen, just back off. They are young American women which means they are going to make a ton of stupid mistakes – we all do. That’s what your twenties are for. The bummer for them is they have to do it in public. Think back to all the stupid stuff you did at 22 and then think about how great it would feel to have it plastered all over the internet. Give the dumb girls a break. At least until they are 26.

Texas  Many of you are wondering about Texas, and how I am doing here. Well, in brief I am happy, but that has nothing to do with being in Texas. I’m in Austin, which I keep being told is “The place to be in Texas” but I haven’t had much opportunity to see anything except freeways, fat people and my job. So far I have found Texans to be LOUD, overweight and bad dressers. If this is where “hipsters” are, then they are in hiding. Because the only hips I have seen were all on ONE woman. She had three sets all to herself. Texas makes me feel thin and pretty without doing anything. At all. And it’s fucking hot here. People keep telling me to wait for winter and it will get better. We’ll see about that. But, like I said – I am happy. I have a great flat, the best fella in the world and an actual bed to sleep on.

It doesn’t take much to make this little girl happy.

Reproductive Science

Now that I am back in America I find that I am often reminded of just how long I have been away. For instance, it is no longer alright to tell a child “no”, you must instead “redirect” their attention elsewhere. Being fat is a right we have, and needs to be protected – how dare you take away my rights to trans-fats!? And let’s not forget that we need to be protected from ourselves wherever we go, that’s why it is good we have all of the cameras watching our every move.

Bullshit.

It seems to me that America is leading the world in made up facts. You like that? Made up facts? It is all the rage these days. Like, a woman has some super cool power that let’s her choose when she will get pregnant, and this super power “kicks in” when she gets raped so that she won’t end up with a rape baby. How awesome! But this is nothing new. People have been lying to you about women and womens bodies for years. It’s just the American way. I am pretty sure that the mandatory “health” class I took in the 10th grade didn’t cover how a rape can generate it’s own birth control, but if the people in the US Government say it is true, then it must be.

Let’s look at female hysteria for instance. Way, way back in the 19th century women were medically diagnosed with “female hysteria”, a condition who’s symptoms include faintness, nervousness, sexual desire, insomnia, fluid retention, heaviness in abdomen, muscle spasm, shortness of breath, irritability, loss of appetite for food or sex, and “a tendency to cause trouble”. In order to cure women of this horrible disease women were given water massages, and vibrators. Other cures included bed rest, bland food, seclusion, refraining from mentally taxing tasks (for example, reading) and sensory deprivation. Thank god the men folk were around to save us from ourselves.

Let’s not forget that just recently The Biggest Idiot in the World  Rush Limbaugh called a woman a slut for using birth control. If being a responsible person is slutty then slap my ass and paint a big red A on my tube top, because I too am a slut. It seems that men out there don’t want women having “too much sex” or sex that isn’t “normal”. Sorry losers. It isn’t 1896 anymore, and sex isn’t just for procreating – thank god. As a woman who is child free, I expect a big, fat THANK YOU card from the RNC for not making yet another spoiled American kid who will suckle at my guilty, unavailable teat for 26 years while I throw money at them so they feel loved.

Let me just sum it up for you – a woman can get pregnant if she is raped. Plan B does NOT cause abortions. Taking birth control does not make women extra horny and want to have sex. Abortion does not cause breast cancer, or prostrate cancer. They want you to think that YOU are too stupid to think for yourself and you need people to tell you what to do.

I hope you are mad, and I hope that you think the republican party is trying to sell you a bill of goods because it is. It is 2012 and women are smart, working, thoughtful people who can do more than just faint on couches, be mommies or jump out of cakes. There are folks out there trying to get us to be non thinking bimbos – women who can’t or worse –  don’t want to think for themselves. But if we use our collective voice we can stop them. We are strong and we are independent. We are wise and we are fighters. We are in charge of our own bodies until we give that control over to the people who are trying to take it from us. It is our job not to let them. A vote for Mitt Romney is a vote for submission.

Think about it.