Fame Costs

I love Chelsea Handler. I am late to the party on this, I know. People have been loving her for years, and I just started. Her new show on Netflix is BADASSfame_quote, and I completely agree with her on everything from NOT HAVING KIDS to NOT GETTING MARRIED. Honestly I think she and I could be friends except for her obsession with dogs. But, we all have our faults.

Her show is great with one exception: When her niece is on. For someone who is constantly telling everyone how obnoxious other people are about their kids, (PREACH!) she’s doing the same thing with her niece. She has her on often, and the kid is annoying. REALLY ANNOYING. The kind of kid who is only adorable to their family…like all kids. She is twelve (I think) and says she wants to be “well-known” when she grows up. She doesn’t really care how or what for, she just wants to be famous. SO NOT CUTE.

Being famous for the sake of being famous is… weird. And gross. When I was coming up you had to actually have a talent in order to get famous. Well, a talent or a scandal. But that is a horse of a different color and I digress. I bet it’s confusing for kids today. I mean, Chelsea Handler seemed to work hard and pay her dues. But there are so many “models” out there and … whatever the Kardashians are, who make being pretty sound like a talent. It isn’t. Modeling is (barely) a job, and you are lucky if you can earn a living at it. Lucky, not talented. Maybe it takes some sort of talent to model, but not the same kind as it does to act or sing or dance or sew or cook or design or direct or teach or write.

If you look at the social media of any famous pretty person you’ll see all of the “hard work” that goes into being famous for being pretty. I call bullshit. Nobody NEEDS a cryogenic freezing chamber to be pretty. And, I’m pretty sure Kate Hudson was just as pretty BEFORE her weird electro-eye treatment as she was AFTER. It’s all bullshit. All of it. The worst are the selfies from the gym. Is this supposed to show me what an effort it is for you? Tips? What? I mean really. How shallow are you that you need to post videos of your workouts? If you want to lose my respect, just post a video or a selfie from the gym.

I guess what I am trying to say is this: Shift focus. Focus on what is INSIDE. Perhaps learn a SKILL and “get famous” for actually DOING something. And here’s a crazy idea, don’t post everything to social media! You don’t need applause or LIKES for living your life. You’ll keep living even if nobody sees it. The more we encourage kids (especially girls) to “look pretty” the longer we perpetuate the myth that beauty matters; that beauty is something you can achieve. It isn’t. Nothing subjective can ever be achieved. You will never be beautiful to everyone. Sorry to burst your bubble. Sure you can have surgery, use make-up, weaves, extensions… but you will still be you underneath all of those excuses. Instead, work on being YOU. Work on thinking you ARE beautiful just the way you are. And if you STILL want to be famous, figure out what you are good at DOING and practice it. You can be famous and perhaps be remembered for something other than your face. Cause guess what… your face won’t last forever.


Being a Woman Isn’t A Competition

Apply-Make-upThis morning I read an article over at HuffPo called “I Can’t Wait Not to Be Sexy Anymore” by Anastasia Basil. I kind of knew what I was getting into when I read the title, but I guess I just wanted to be annoyed this morning. It starts out like this:

“I’m EXHAUSTED. I’ve been tweezing, shaving, moisturizing, defrizzing, flat-ironing, bikini-waxing, hair-dyeing, gym-joining (notice I said gym-joining, not gym-going?) exfoliating and manicuring since 8th grade, all while sleeping on a silk pillowcase to reduce wrinkles. I’m ready to grow a beard and just RELAX.”

I absolutely hate this kind of thinking. All of these things are optional, right? So do them or not, but shut up about it. And I’m sorry, but none of those things are exactly exhausting. First world problems. She goes on:

“There comes a time in every woman’s life when she has to stop competing with sorority girls, simply because there aren’t enough hours in a day to wax all the hair from a perimenopausal body AND hit up three different Dollar Stores in search of matching birthday party favors.”

For reals? First off, the author gets the entire concept of being a woman wrong. If you are competing with other women, you are just adding to the problem. I am myself, and myself is pretty awesome. I don’t need to compete with other women, and I certainly don’t compete with college co-eds. They are like little lost deer in skimpy outfits. In fact, I met a sorority girl just the other night at karaoke. She thought I was “so cool” and had “amazing hair”. She was correct on both counts, and I thanked her for it. She wanted my number so we could hang out. But she was wasted and I don’t have a phone. The point is that I’m a smart, capable woman and she saw that. Younger women are not the enemy. They are just younger. It isn’t personal.

If a grown ass woman and mother feels threatened by the supposed sexiness of a sorority girl, then she has bigger problems than her time management. The problem isn’t the sexiness of other women, the problem is YOU deciding to compete in the first place. Women shouldn’t compete with other women. We should support each other. I’m not saying you have to get along with every woman you meet, but you don’t have to look at them as a threat either. What a waste of time.

“When I’m getting dressed in the morning, I think: My boobs had their day in the sun. They turned heads, they nursed babies and there was a time when they did not require a harness that would fit a dairy cow… Helloooo strappy, push-up bra with moisture-wicking foam support pads and matching cheekini tummy-tucker.”

I absolutely cannot stand the whole self-effacing Mom thing. Stop making excuses for giving up. And stop complaining about being out of shape and not doing anything about it. If someone else had compared this woman to a cow, I bet she’d be pretty pissed. But she does it and it’s supposed to be funny? It isn’t. It’s sad and super unfunny. If you feel the need to wear Lycra and spandex every time you go out of the house, don’t blame me. Or your kids. Or your husband. Or all of the other women in the world who are younger than you. You don’t have to be uncomfortable. There is no law stating that you must have perky boobs and a flat tummy in order to go on a date. And for god sake, please stop telling the world about it. No one even noticed the way you looked until you pointed it out and gave them a map of your (supposed) flaws.

Old age, I give you my face to wrinkle and my body to sag. If that’s the currency required to watch my kids grow and to continue shopping for holiday-themed shirts, then I’m truly happy to part with the time-sucking struggle for ever-lasting youth.”

Everlasting youth? Currency required? Let me fill you in on a couple of things, lady. First, you could have parted with the “time-sucking struggle” at any moment in your forty years on the planet. There was no one holding a gun to your head, forcing you to pluck your eyebrows and shave your legs. There was no villain behind the scenes pressuring you to get a gym membership then restraining you so that you could never go. It was all your own doing. All your choice.

And for me that what it all comes down to – a choice. You can choose to play the game or not. It’s up to you. There are always going to be younger women than you, no matter how old or young you are. Be their friend, not their competition. Be their mentor, not their mother. Be the example, not the side show.

Top Five Products “For Her”

By now we have all heard that Bic has come out with a ball point pen especially for ladies. The only thing that is different about these pens is the package they are in. Seriously. These are just regular ball point pens in pastel colors. And everyone knows that things that are pastel pink are for her. While I enjoy all of the outrage over this silly marketing ploy I am left to wonder why it took so long in coming. Bic and their silly pens are only the latest company playing into gender stereotypes.

1.  RAZORS – How many of you ladies out there are guilty of buying the pink razor that costs at least twice as much as the blue razor? Why did you buy the more expensive razor? Think about it for a second, I’ll wait. There you go. There is no difference at all in those razors. I know that Venus did a survey for Cosmo and found that women should be using the pink razors because men razors are too sharp. Uh huh. I have a deep fear that I might slice off my leg at the knee, so I better keep using that razor that costs twice as much. Because it is pink.

2.  ToolsWhen you are a woman, it is hard enough to just get that first cup of coffee in the morning, never mind having to fix that wobbly cabinet door. Thank goodness someone finally invented a screw driver that is pink! My delicate lady hands can only hold on to things that are pink or purple. And I need to “look cute” when I do ANYTHING. They are called “Her Tools” and the tagline says this: “We may not have all the right tools for the job, but with Her Tools ($20) we’ll at least look pretty darn cute working! Her Tools 105-piece set comes with pink handled screwdrivers, pink measuring tape, pink pliers, and comes in its own, you guessed it, pink plastic carrying case.”

3. Pubic Hair Dye –  No, you read that right PUBIC HAIR DYE. I was researching for a piece I wrote about women and their desire to decorate their vaginas when I came across Betty Dye. Why let the hair on your head have all the fun? Now your pubes can be blue, auburn or (of course) pink! They also sell stencils of hearts or doves, and BLING for bedazzling that are supposed to “surprise” your man on your wedding night. I’ll bet. Just think of the look on his face when he finally gets you alone and sees your flaming pink pubes in the shape of a dove and outlined in rhinestones.

4. SmartphoneHTC has come up with a phone just for us ladies, the Rhyme. If you look at the description of this phone vs any other phone you’ll notice it talks about things like the fun colors it comes in, the camera, the head phones that it comes with, and the cool docking station you get when you purchase. It talks about how charming and pretty the phone is, but it doesn’t tell me much else about it because it’s For Her. Women are only concerned with how much FUN a product is to use, and how easy it is. We need not concern ourselves with things like price point, data, or if the phone actually works well. Just as long as we look cute taking our pictures while listening to music on our purple phones, we will be happy.

5. Latisse I included this last product as an example of how marketing and business prey on women’s vanity. I have said it before, and I’ll say it again – Women will buy ANYTHING if they think it will make them look prettier, younger, or more appealing; even if it goes against simple logic. Women will buy lotions that claim to dissolve cellulite even though deep down, they know that it is an impossible thing for a lotion to do. This is no different. All women seem to want longer, thicker lashes and will spend a smal fortune to get them. Do you see any products like this for men? No. Men would never waste money on something that is as potentially harmful as this product. I guess that’s why it is For Her. It was invented to help people with a disorder that makes it impossible for them to grow any lashes at all. It wasn’t long before they realized they could make a killing preying on American women’s insecurities. They got a few celebrities to endorse it and… boom. It’s out there. Now mascarra isn’t good enough. Now I have to use this stuff. I wonder if it comes in pink…