Fame Costs

I love Chelsea Handler. I am late to the party on this, I know. People have been loving her for years, and I just started. Her new show on Netflix is BADASSfame_quote, and I completely agree with her on everything from NOT HAVING KIDS to NOT GETTING MARRIED. Honestly I think she and I could be friends except for her obsession with dogs. But, we all have our faults.

Her show is great with one exception: When her niece is on. For someone who is constantly telling everyone how obnoxious other people are about their kids, (PREACH!) she’s doing the same thing with her niece. She has her on often, and the kid is annoying. REALLY ANNOYING. The kind of kid who is only adorable to their family…like all kids. She is twelve (I think) and says she wants to be “well-known” when she grows up. She doesn’t really care how or what for, she just wants to be famous. SO NOT CUTE.

Being famous for the sake of being famous is… weird. And gross. When I was coming up you had to actually have a talent in order to get famous. Well, a talent or a scandal. But that is a horse of a different color and I digress. I bet it’s confusing for kids today. I mean, Chelsea Handler seemed to work hard and pay her dues. But there are so many “models” out there and … whatever the Kardashians are, who make being pretty sound like a talent. It isn’t. Modeling is (barely) a job, and you are lucky if you can earn a living at it. Lucky, not talented. Maybe it takes some sort of talent to model, but not the same kind as it does to act or sing or dance or sew or cook or design or direct or teach or write.

If you look at the social media of any famous pretty person you’ll see all of the “hard work” that goes into being famous for being pretty. I call bullshit. Nobody NEEDS a cryogenic freezing chamber to be pretty. And, I’m pretty sure Kate Hudson was just as pretty BEFORE her weird electro-eye treatment as she was AFTER. It’s all bullshit. All of it. The worst are the selfies from the gym. Is this supposed to show me what an effort it is for you? Tips? What? I mean really. How shallow are you that you need to post videos of your workouts? If you want to lose my respect, just post a video or a selfie from the gym.

I guess what I am trying to say is this: Shift focus. Focus on what is INSIDE. Perhaps learn a SKILL and “get famous” for actually DOING something. And here’s a crazy idea, don’t post everything to social media! You don’t need applause or LIKES for living your life. You’ll keep living even if nobody sees it. The more we encourage kids (especially girls) to “look pretty” the longer we perpetuate the myth that beauty matters; that beauty is something you can achieve. It isn’t. Nothing subjective can ever be achieved. You will never be beautiful to everyone. Sorry to burst your bubble. Sure you can have surgery, use make-up, weaves, extensions… but you will still be you underneath all of those excuses. Instead, work on being YOU. Work on thinking you ARE beautiful just the way you are. And if you STILL want to be famous, figure out what you are good at DOING and practice it. You can be famous and perhaps be remembered for something other than your face. Cause guess what… your face won’t last forever.

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Obsession

I was eleven years old when the television show Moonlighting, aired on ABC. Murder She Wrote was the hot detective show at the time, and Jessica Fletcher was TV’s leading lady detective. Nothing against the incomparable Angela Lansbury and the endless parade of relatives and/or murder victims that plagued her everywhere she went, but the young me wasn’t having it. The many deaths in Cabot Cove, Maine were not my cup of Kool-Aid. Sure there was Spencer for Hire or Mike Hammer, but those were pretty much the same show, and there are only so many rugged detectives that the world can handle at one time.

MOONLIGHTINGEnter David Addison and Maddie Hayes. Two good looking people that had onscreen chemistry like no other. The premise was this: A bankrupt model partners with a sarcastic PI to save a failing Detective Agency. It starred Cybill Shepherd as the former model (no stretch there) and an unknown actor named Bruce Willis as the foil to her straight man. The show was funny and exciting and full of something I had had never felt before – sexual tension. From episode one I was on board, full steam. And it had everything to do with Bruce Willis. Everything. He was everything.

It started slowly, quietly. Every Tuesday I religiously recorded Moonlighting on my superior to VHS in every way except for selection at the video store, Betamax, and watched them repeatedly. I watched them until I had all of David Addison’s quips memorized. I watched them so often I could tell you at which point in a chase scene you could see Cybill Shepherd was wearing sneakers. I actually practiced smirking in the mirror. I had never really seen sarcasm before and Bruce Willis was a master of it. And I learned at the feet of The Master.

Soon I was redecorating my bedroom, taking down pictures of Bono and Kirk Cameron, and replacing them with pictures of Bruce Willis. I even moved my Magnum PI poster to the inside of my closet door (sorry Tom). I cut out any picture – no matter how large or small –  and put it on my bedroom wall. I spent countless hours looking for articles about Moonlighting in hopes of finding new pictures of Bruce Willis. It was a gradual decline, but looking back it was definitely obsession.

Moonlighting was on for five seasons. Within that time I amassed a collection of pictures. I lost count at 350. This is what obsession looks like.

When I traveled, I took a picture of Bruce Willis with me. In a frame. (see below)

I wore black for a month when he married Demi Moore, but after Rumor was born I eased up a bit.

Me w/ my Bruce picture at Camp.

Me w/ my Bruce picture at Camp.

I started a fan club which consisted of me and my friend Audra. We were President and Vice President. We said an oath, promising to forever love him (I still do, Audra!) We wrote songs about him. Well, not “wrote” exactly. We took existing songs and changed the lyrics. My favorite was the Genesis classic Invisible Touch changed to “Invisible Look” on account of his smirk. The main goal was contact with Bruce. We wrote letters and made phone calls. We were pretty tenacious in a time before internet and cell phones. The most we ever got back was a signed picture from his agent.

I own The Return of Bruno on LP.

I drank Segram’s Golden Wine Coolers because of Bruce Willis. It’s wet and it’s dry… my my my my! 

I was at a Bon Jovi concert in Los Angeles and they brought Bruce Willis on stage to join. I grabbed binoculars and I swear, he looked at me. HE LOOKED AT ME.

I went to see every one of his movies on opening day up to, and including Color of Night. After that I was a little more lax about it.

I saw Blind Date three times in the theater and bought the soundtrack.

I still cry when I think about meeting him.

bruce-2These days the word “Obsessed” gets tossed around more than a deflated football at a Pats game. We are obsessed with ourselves (‘MERICA!) with cupcakes, with BEING obsessed with something… anything! with Twitter, and for some reason with Taylor Swift. The word “Obsess” means “(to) preoccupy or fill the mind of (someone) continually, intrusively, and to a troubling extent.” The key part there being, “to a troubling extent.” Do you really think about cupcakes all day? Do you tweet about them every twenty minutes? Do you eat only cupcakes? Then you probably are not obsessed with cupcakes and you should stop saying that you are. Do you wear Taylor Swift T-shirts every day? Do you have posters of her in your room… and you are not a fifteen year old? Do you write fan fiction about her and think secretly to yourself that it might come true? Do you get angry when people criticize her for any reason? If you answered yes to these questions, then you are, by definition obsessed with Taylor Swift. The rest of you? Just because you like something more than anyone else seems to doesn’t mean you are obsessed with it. And why would you want to be? Obsession is ugly and weird and for people who don’t have better things to do.

Take it from me. I should know.

(i love you bruce)

Things I’m Loving – Right Now

Hey all! Summer is in full swing here in Texas, and here is what I am loving right now!

  1. The Killing (AMC) – usa-killingIf you haven’t tuned in for this stellar show yet, then you are missing out. This show just started its 3rd season and I am already anxious to see what happened next. Unlike GoT which is action packed, “The Killing” is a slow burn. It unfolds slowly without giving too much away, and always leaves you wanting more.The first two seasons cover a single case: Who killed Rosie Larson? I just started re-watching from season 1 with my sweetheart and I am hooked all over again. It’s refreshing to watch a mystery show that I can’t figure out in the first 10 minutes.
  2. Swimming Pools
    Barton Springs Pool, Austin

    Barton Springs Pool, Austin

    As much as I love Prague in the summertime, it was always lacking one thing for me: Swimming pools. There is a huge swimming complex at Podali, but you have to wade throngs of people, dozens of screaming kids, drunk assholes, and all of the American dudes who go there just to stare at the topless ladies. No thanks. When I go to a pool I would like to be left alone and actually be able to swim. Being back in the states has reminded me of just how much I like laying in a deck chair in the hot sun. Alone. With just my book and my tunes. I also just bought a big yellow floatie that I am excited to sit in while wearing my new bikini.

  3. Gay of Thrones – I watch Game of Thrones. I like it alright, but what I like better is Funny or Die’s recap series called “Gay of Thrones”. It is a stylist recapping the last episode for you, and his current client. It’s hilarious. The dude speaks a language I can understand. I mean, GoT has so many characters (all with crazy names) that it’s kind of hard to keep track of who is who, and who killed who. The dude in Gay of Thrones uses clever nicknames to help dopes like me keep track of the action. He calls the Dragon chick “Christina Aguilera”. He calls Rob Stark’s wife “Winterfell Lady Gaga”. It’s perfect. He says everything I am thinking. I don’t have a gay boyfriend in Austin, so he is the next best thing. http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/5766ea13c1/gay-of-thrones-game-of-thrones-ep-7-recap
  4. Summer Reading List – SN856895The very best part of summer is making a dent in that huge stack of books I bought to pass the time by the pool. I also love looking at all of the reading lists on other blogs, or sites like NPR or PBS. I just started “Duma Key” by Stephen King and it’s a whopping 789 pages long. I had better get moving if I want to get to the rest of the books on my list. The one I am most excited about is the brand spanking new Zadie Smith book called “NW”. Can’t. Wait. 
  5. Jeff Goldblum – I have loved this man since I first saw “The Big Chill” and “Buckaroo Banzai”. Mr. Goldblum is a true original. He has a very unique acting style. He stands perfectly still while delivering lines and just moves his eyes. It’s rad. Anyway, I just now found out that he is on Law & Order: CI! I mean, I thought I was excited to see him play one of Rachel Berry’s dads on “Glee”, but I nearly fell over when I saw his face in the opening credits of Law & Order. I just want him to tuck me in and read things to me. And maybe tell me a couple of jokes and then explain quantum physics. So Mr. Goldblum if you are reading this – I know you play jazz piano and I sing so… match made in heaven? Yes! You know where to find me. 

Mother

MargeSimpsonThere are a billion things to love about Mothers. They wipe your poop. They pay for your food and clothing. They tell you your art/play/singing/ceramic ashtray is wonderful when it is obviously crap. They put up with your “Goth” peroid, or life-style for some of you.  They bail you out of jail. They are Santa, The Easter Bunny and The Tooth Fairy (plus Dad, of course. Where applicable) They love you no matter what. For the most part. They get one Sunday a year as a National Holiday for all of us ungrateful kids to call home and say thanks. It’s a pretty thankless title, but then so is “teacher” and we got a week. Anyway – to all the awesome mom’s out there I say “Well done! Take the day off, you deserve it!” To all the not so awesome mom’s out there I say, “Get back on track, yo. This kid of yours will one day have to socialize outside of your family. Make sure they can do so without getting their ass kicked.” And, Happy Mother’s Day to my mom, your mom and all the moms out there who read this little blog. Enjoy your day!

For you, I have this. My favorite “Mothers”.

tumblr_lw8l9eNr6Y1qzxbg4o1_500

This scene from “Mommie Dearest” 

This: 

Mrs. C

Mrs. C

My favorite mom fantasy 

Blog-2

Of course, this 

“Mommie told me something a little kid should know. It’s all about the devil and I’ve leaned to hate him so. She says he causes trouble when you let him in the room and he’ll never ever leave you if your heart is filled with gloom. So… Let the Sunshine in!” 

This always gets me 

Carol-Brady-the-brady-bunch-8032041-550-391

a song of advice to mothers 

And one last thought. Happy Mom’s Day. This song isn’t really about Moms, but it is awesome. And Whitney Houston’s Mom Cissy, is one of the back up singers. Anyway – here it is.Happy Joy! 

Things I’m Loving: Spring Edition

hannibal_nbc_130301As promised, here is the yin to my yang. Things I am loving right now. This is the partner to yesterday’s article – Things I am over.

  1. Hannibal (TV Show) – Are you watching this? If not, you should be. It takes the characters we all know and love from the books (Silence of the Lambs, Red Dragon) and gives them history. A creepy, strange history. We get to see Hannibal before he was “The Cannibal” and watch him be a doctor, a mentor, and wonder if he is a killer. You’ll see lot’s of death, blood and highly disturbing things on this show, just be warned, but it’s awesome. Starring Madds Mikkelsen as everybody’s favorite chef, and Laurence Fishburne as Jack Crawford – FBI, it’s tons of fun to watch. It’s the kind of show actors beg to be a part of. Again, if you have a low tolerance for gross, then you might skip it.
  2. Hiking: 0410-youcan-hiking-0008It’s free. It’s outside. It’s fun. It’s exercise! Hiking is for sure something I am loving right now. There are hiking trails near where you live, I promise. This handy web site tells you local trails, and lets you review them. I usually don’t read reviews from folks online, but in this case it was helpful. Gyms (for the most part) here in the states are expensive and designed more for getting your money than maximizing your health. Well, with hiking you don’t have to worry about monthly fees and gross muscle dudes watching you from the mirrors. Nope. You just have to worry about the weather.
  3. Music from “Nashville” (TV show)Some of my favorite current music is from this show. T-Bone Burnett is the guy in charge of it all, if that tells you anything. They have cast great singers (for the most part) and the songs are great. Check out Maisy and Lennon Stella for instance. Two little girls (sisters) who sing great harmonies and just finished playing the Grand Ol Opry. They are crazy good. I also really enjoy the musc by Clare Bowen (Scarlett on the show) She is an Australian actress and singer and she kills it. I listen to these songs in the shower or just hanging around the house. Thsese songs easily make the jump frpm screen to real life. Hayden Panettiere has a top single on the Country charts. Check it out. 
  4. Brother DegeHard blues. That’s what I’d call it. If you like the sound of a steel guitar and old school blues and folk, then this is your man. He did some of the music for D’jango Unchained and he is awesome. Here, have a listen. 
  5. Purging my shit: I don’t have a lot of extra shit in my life. Well, I didn’t before I came back to the states. Something about America makes you want to go shopping. Well, no more! I have been having a great time throwing away anything that has no use in my life, or is unnecessary. My world feel less cluttered and my house looks nicer, and I am very aware of what I buy and what space it will take in my life. I am a Nomad, and Nomads don’t have room for twelve pairs of shoes, a TV, and a full wardrobe. Purge!

My Favorite Film Assholes

Here is a list of my all time favorite movie Assholes. An asshole is different from a villain. e.g. Dr. Rene Belloq is to an asshole what Darth Vader is to a villain. If you haven’t seen these movies then don’t read this. Spoilers ahead!

  1. Bill (Kill Bill trilogy) – david-carradine03You know how you would feel really uncomfortable if your ex came to your wedding…with a crew of deadly assassins hell-bent on killing you? Yeah, me too. Bill takes the (wedding) cake for on-screen assholish behavior. He kills everyone she knows because she wanted to leave him. Dick. On top of that, he’s been raising their daughter and kept it a secret while she was in a coma. I mean, come on. 
  2. Steff (Pretty in Pink)tumblr_m6f2h8IlQe1qctynro1_500This is probably my all time favorite asshole. I actually kind of like Steff.  He’s a straight shooter who tells it like it is. I can respect that. Played to perfection by James Spader, Steff plays the foil to Andrew McCarthy’s sad and whiney Blane. This guy smokes in school hallways, spits on the floors, wears suits to school, treats his friends and family like shit, and you wouldn’t believe the things he says. When his drunk and equally bitchy girlfriend is getting in Blane’s face, he turns to her and says,”You really are worthless.” When Blane is sad about his life and his problems are many, Steff simply gives him this advice:”Why don’t you go take a shower, you look like shit.”
  3. Hardy Jenns (Some Kind of Wonderful)craig-sheffer-some-kind-of-wonderful-criminal-minds-photo-GCBecause of this movie, whenever my BFF and I came across a total asshole in High School we would look at each other and say, “…with TWO n’s…”. Hardy Jenns was that special asshole who had money, money and good looks and a nice car and then some more money. He hits all the major asshole points: He wears blazers to class, drives an expensive car, wears sunglasses all of the fucking time, and he dates and mistreats the hottest girl of the 80’s. He calls his girlfriend his property, and when he gets caught in the girls locker room, he tells the teacher to relax – there’s nothing he hasn’t seen before. Hardy Jenns. With TWO n’s.
  4. Richard Vernon (The Breakfast Club) screenshot-lrg-09While we are on the subject of John Hugh’s assholes… I give you Mr. Vernon! Again, he is the uniting force in the movie. The one thing that all of these kids from such super really totally different lives have in common. He’s the asshole principal who makes them come to detention on Saturday. A Saturday! As if that’s not bad enough he asks them to write a paper explaining who they think they are. Seriously? You give a high schooler that assignment and you don’t expect a sarcastic paper? Bitch, please. You mess with the bull you get the horns.
  5. Carter Burke (Aliens)paul_reiser_aliensI remember seeing this in the movie theater and people stood and cheered when Paul Riser met his match. Basically he is the quintessential company man. He is greedy, mean, dishonest and condescending. He takes a ship full of marines to a deserted planet knowing full well that there are scary fucking monsters out there. Then, when all hell breaks loose he tries to impregnate Ripley and Newt with alien babies. This guy!
  6. Iceman (Top Gun)IcemanYeah, Iceman will get all up in your face! That’s right. Then he’ll just snap his teeth at you all freaky like. Why? Because you are dangerous. Val Kilmer took the fairly small and definitely subplot character and had fun with him. He gave Iceman a cocky attitude, a buzz cut and pecks to die for. Iceman can spike a volleyball and then spin it on his finger. What an asshole. He’d probably do it right in front of your girlfriend just to make you look bad. But who has the last laugh Iceman? Huh? I’ll give y’all a couple of seconds to google current pictures of both Tom Cruise and Val Kilmer. It pays to be nice.
  7.  Mr. Blonde (Reservoir Dogs) – tumblr_mgsadvGxml1rpyah3o1_1280To be fair, you could pick just about any character from a Tarantino film and put them on this list. But, I am singling out Mr. Blonde for special dispensation. For those of you who haven’t seen this movie, too fucking bad. you should have seen it by now. It is awesome. Mr. Blonde takes a bad situation (a robbery gone bad) and makes it worse (takes a cop hostage). Everyone leaves the room and Mr. Blonde is left alone with the doomed cop. He doesn’t kill the cop outright. He teases him, cuts off his ear, does a little dance and doused him with gasoline. I told you. Asshole. 

    CAREER ASSHOLES

William Zabka – This man made a career of playing douchy asshole rich kids in the 80’s. He was awesome as Johnny in karate kid, chasing poor Daniel-san around the school. Never has a skeleton costume been so intimidating. He played a variation of “Johnny” in European Vacation, Back to School, and Karate Kid II. Here he is kicking ass. 

William Atherton10.thornbergIt is hard to choose a favorite asshole role of William Atherton. They are all so very good. You could go with the sleazy TV journalist Richard Thornberg from Die Hard. I know my boyfriend is partial to his portrayal of Walter Peck in Ghostbusters. My personal favorite is Dr. Jerry Hathaway in the over looked comedy classic Real Genius – with Val Kilmer. I also enjoyed him as a “different but totally the same” asshole doctor in Bio-Dome. But I enjoyed everything about Bio-Dome. (Fun Fact: William Zabka and William Atherton create the perfect asshole storm when they appear together on the TV show “The Equalizer”.)

My Top 9 Life Ruining Films

stage-door-holy-femalesWhat I mean by “life ruining” films is simple. It is a movie that forever altered the way I view or interact in the “real” world. Whether it is false expectations or high aspirations, the following films have ruined my life.

  1. Say Anything (1989) – A few years after this movie came out, I developed something called “The Lloyd Dobler Effect”. Named after the male lead, The Lloyd Dobler Effect states that after seeing “Say Anything” women’s expectation of a mans behavior rises to unusual levels. Thus resulting in long-lasting, and often times repeated disappointment on the part of the woman. In short – no mere mortal man could ever live up to Lloyd Dobler. Not all men are created equal. The Lloyd Dobler Effect also gives birth to the notion that there are indeed “nice guys” out there. Who look like John Cusack.
  2. Star Wars (1979)princess-leia-1Girls today want to be princesses. They want to wear pink sparkle dresses and tulle skirts and that’s that. You are a Princess! I got news for you dorks – being a princess takes more than just pink clothes and some sequins. It takes balls. Princess Leia ruined my life. I saw Star Wars at a very young age (in the movie theatre!) and I left thinking that I could totally lead the rebel alliance, fall in love with Han Solo and stand up to the Dark Side with no problem. Yeah right. I grew up and realized that when you stand up to the “dark side” in the real world, you get fired. When you experiment with cool new hair styles on Earth your friends make fun of you, or ask you “what happened”. Maybe it’s different on Alderan. Maybe they treat princesses like human beings there and not like mini stepford wives. Anyway. Thanks for teaching me that real princesses are mouthy, ballsy, feminine, hard-working women who lead countries and planets and never, ever wear pink. Even if it does get me in trouble now and then.
  3. Practical Magic (1998)Practical-Magic-practical-magic-12642483-1500-1193 Okay. So I kind of believe in magic, and I might actually believe that I am magic. I’m adopted and that leads to a lot of harmless psychological delusions. This is the least of them. But this movie ruined my life in a couple of ways. First, it totally justified my “bad boy” fixation with the dark and sexy “Jimmy Angelov” character. It also made me want to live in a really cool old house with tons of space over looking the ocean with my cool crazy aunts (who just happen to be witches) living with me and my zany sister. It’s not too much to ask, is it? I could plant herbs and make pancakes for dinner! I could ride my vintage bicycle down to main street and buy some apples at the farmers market. And then I could go crazy from the insane boredom of staying in one place that long with no movie theatre.Next up? The hair. I was obsessed with Sandra Bullock & Nicole Kidman’s hair in this movie. It is long, shiny, lucious, bouncy, and awesome. Hair envy. I soon found out that it wasn’t real. Maybe it was magic. Or extensions. And of course, this movie is one of many films confirming the “midnight margarita” delusion. It looks awesome to wake everyone from their  slumber and begin drinking margaritas at midnight. In movies this leads to fantastic dance parties, laughter, touching confessions and the kind of hangover that is fixed with a smile and some “strong coffee”. Needless to say, this is false.
  4. Grease (1978)Olivia Newton-John in In what way did this movie NOT ruin my life? Ugh.First off, I became a cheerleader in High School and did not end up a hot sexy bitch who puts out my cigarettes with flare in a pair of hot red Candie’s. Next, being the best singer at school doesn’t make you cool. It doesn’t do anything except make female drama dorks jealous, and make the asshole dudes notice your boobs and try to “score” with you. Speaking of asshole dudes, this movie is yet another in a long line of movies that told me guys might act like dicks, but underneath they are really awesome. Assholes like Danny Zuko are nice guys underneath. When their friends aren’t looking. And if you try hard enough, and eventually change everything about yourself, he will like you. And finally, I fully expected my last day of high school to end in a big carnival. It didn’t. There were no big group numbers dedicated to my friends, vowing that we’ll stay together forever. There were no rides. There was no hot guy. All I got was a trip to Disneyland, a buffet and a diploma. Big whoop.
  5. Private Benjamin (1980)Private Benjamin I almost joined the army because of this movie. I’m totally serious. I even went into the ROTC office at school and talked to the nice folks in there about ruining my life forever joining the army. It looked really fun! Obstacle courses all day, bunks at night. Travel to Paris. Meet weird people. Smoke a little. Where do I sign up? I was more than disappointed to learn the stark realities of the US military for anyone, but especially for a woman. And I’ll leave it at that.
  6. Stage Door (1937) – Wait a minute. You mean when I grow up I can not only be an actress, but I can live in a hotel for women in New York City and be friends with Ginger Rodgers and Katherine Hepburn? Okay, I knew that wasn’t going to happen. But I didn’t know that women in the movies and women in real life can be THAT mean. I think I was shocked the first time a girl friend stabbed me in the back and nothing bad happened to her. In the movies the mean girl always gets outed. In real life she gets meaner.
  7. Dirty Dancing (1987)Dirty-Dancing-dirty-dancing-19698995-640-400I’m noticing a theme here… bad boys that just need the right girl to break through. IT DOESN’T EXIST. In real life bad boys are assholes and “nice guys” are actually really nice, interesting men just waiting for women to stop watching “The NOtebook” long enough to notice them. Whew! Anyway, that isn’t really why this movie ruined my life. It made me think The Poconos would be a cool place to visit and that I might actually be able to dance. Ha! Dirty Dancing has also made me hyper-aware of ever carrying a watermelon.
  8. Annie Hall (1977)large_annie_hall_blu-ray_04Woody Allen is responsible for so many of my personal issues, that he could make a great film about it. Annie Hall is quirky, independent, smart, funny, goofy, talented and attractive. She lives in NY and she dresses unlike anyone else. Long before the world even thought about Carrie Bradshaw they were obsessed with Annie Hall. But Annie Hall was a tall girl. A slender girl. Annie Hall lived in NY, not in CA (at least not til the end of the movie). Anyway, this movie gave me a romanticized NY that I still long for, and that I look for each time I visit. I’m not giving up on this one quite yet.
  9. Breakfast at Tiffany’s (1961)audrey-hepburn-17 I have been chasing the perfect cocktail party since I saw this film when I was about 12 years old. I believed that when I was a grown up, I would have glamourous, confusing parties that resulted in people kissing in bathtubs and drinking from shoes. I thought people would dress for parties and have quirky conversations. I think I secretly hoped that Truman Capote would actually come to a party I threw and proclaim me, and my shindig a success.

Oscar’s Highs & Lows

url-2Last night I watched the Academy Awards for the first time in seven years. I was excited. I used to have huge parties with themed food and drinks, guests dressed up for the event and I had prizes and trivia. It was fun. This time I went low-key: just me, my pj’s and some fresh-baked cookies.

HIGHLIGHTS:

  • Seth MacFarlane & LA Gay Men’s Choir sing “We Saw Your Boobs” – What a great way to open the show. Honestly, I was cracking up the entire time. I know a lot of people thought it was tacky and not right for the Oscars, but what did you expect when you asked the creator of Family Guy to host? He was just doing what the public likes him to do. I loved the light-hearted tone it set for the rest of the show, and also it let people know that Hollywood was not going to take itself seriously tonight. 
  • Meryl Streep – Not only does she get to announce best actor Daniel Day-Lewis, she didn’t skip a beat in doing it. “And the winner is Daniel Day-Lewis.” Done. Like a boss.
  • Daniel Day-Lewis acceptance speech – url-3Isn’t DDL adorable? I just want him to be my sexy excentric uncle. Anyway, I loved how gracious, sincere and funny he was. He toyed with Ms. Streep and joked about them switching roles at the last-minute – Lincoln for Thatcher – it was brilliant. He could have a second career as a stand up comic. He is a humble man who is amazing considering the amount of talent he has. I love you DDL.
  • Ben Affleck acceptance: Unlike DDL, Ben isn’t a pro at these things. He is just coming into his own. He showed last night that all of Clooney’s tutelage hasn’t gone to waste. Ben has learned to be a man’s man. His words to his wife left everyone in tears. Well played, Benjamin.
  • All of the musical treats – Yes, I could have done without the full cast of Les Mis getting on stage and performing, but whatever. It was fine. I loved Catherine Zeta Jones, and Jennifer Hudson looked and sounded fierce. But, what was better than that was the “you’re going long” music. Every time a speech started to run long the “Jaws” theme started to play. LOVE.
  • All things Tarantino – I jumped up and clapped when Christoph Waltz won, and I thought QT gave a great speech about how, more than anything, the actors should be heavily thanked for bringing his crazy, badass characters to life. I was happy to see him up there. Maybe one day the Academy will let him have a best picture statue. Ha.
  • Babs & BasseyShirley Bassey performs on stage at the OscarsShirley Bassey OWNED the stage. That is until my girl Barbara got up there and killed it. Both women showed the world that age don’t matter – it’s all about talent. And both have it. I loved that Ms. Bassey wore gold, skin-tight sequins, and Barbra was apparently paying homage to her 1970’s self with her hair, gown, nails and make up. It’s not every performer who can stand still on a stage and just sing and keep you totally entertained. Were you taking notes Gaga? PS – I also very much enjoyed when Ms Bassey grabbed her boob.

LOWS:

  • Red Carpet drivel: Has it always been this bad? I don’t think so. I mean I guess. I seem to recall Tyra Banks in a huge purple prom dress, speaking like a hood rat to nominees on the RC. It was sad. But it seems like there is an array of idiots with microphones out there now, all asking insipid questions. I saw one woman ask Zoe Saldana how she prepares, not for a role, but for getting into her dress. I wanted to punch that stupid woman in the nose. 
  • Kristen Stewartdaniel-radcliffe-kristen-stewart-oscars-presentersIs it too much to ask for you to comb your hair before going on national television at a black tie event? That girl looked like she just got done snorting a line in the bathroom with 4 hookers and Jack Nicholson. Seriously. Girl looks used up, torn up and trashy. If you resent the Oscars, then just don’t go. But don’t show up looking like a an after picture on “Faces of Meth”.
  • That 9 year-old: Yeah, I mean that cute little girl who was nominated for best actress. Her. She was super-duper obnoxious. Mom? You need to have a little talk with Princess Pomposity about humility and its role in the lime light. You need to tell her it isn’t cute, nor is it ok to “fist pump” at a black tie event. And it doesn’t hurt to say “Thank you”. Stay classy Quvenzhané Wallis.
  • Les Mis Cast sing-a-long-Les Miserables love Les Mis, and I thought the film was alright, so I mean this with the utmost respect: SHUT UP. Shut up! Please? That wasn’t just painful to look at, but it was painful to listen to. Anne Hathaway is a lovely person with an alright voice, she didn’t need that extra push from the sound man. It worked on-screen because she was in character, crying, and dying. The whole gang just seemed overwrought and sad. I was glad when it was over.
  • Michelle Obama85th Annual Academy Awards - ShowI was just as confused as poor Jack. He seemed genuinely high or totally confused about the presence of the first lady, and so was I. Why did that happen? And why wasn’t she there in person? It wouldn’t have felt so cheap and strange if she had been there… or been in a movie. Just sayin’. I love Michelle just as much as the next guy, but that was wacky.

Sexiest Men: A List

orig-14231241I like a good list. I like making them, and I like reading them. I know I am not alone in this because “BuzzFeed” exists. I recently came across the legendary list: “Sexiest Women of the Year”, from GQ Magazine. I usually read that list because it has really great pictures of really beautiful women. What’s not to like? I’ll tell you what, the lame categories they made so they could “rationalize” including women of different colors and ethnicities. See, instead of just including these gorgeous women on the list, they had to make special (racist) categories to put them in. I’m not kidding. Check it out.

“Hottest Indian Chick”: Freida Pinto
“Hottest Pregnant Sri Lankan”: M.I.A.
“Hottest Italian Chick”: Monica Belluci
“Hottest Chinese Chick”: Zhang Ziyi/Ziyi Zhang

I guess I should also note that they also had, “Hottest Blue Chick” and listed Mystique and Smurfette. I get it. It’s kind of funny. But breaking it down through race and ethnicity was a wrong move. Of course people are gonna get upset and take it the wrong way! THIS IS AMERICA! It is our right to know better and get pissed off anyway. We are a country that wants it both ways! Do not base opinions about me based on my gender, looks, race, weight, ethnicity, or sexual preference! But at the same time do not forget that I am a woman who has suffered from… issues, and stuff… and I might be part indian and… maybe some other stuff too. I am adopted! Where is the hottest adopted chick category? Huh? I choose to take offence, even if none was intended. USA! USA!

Anyway, here is my list of the sexiest men. Ever. In order to qualify, I have to think you are sexy.

  1. Sexiest British Dude (Yes, Brit’s can be sexy): Daniel CraigDaniel%20Craig(2)Those eyes! Those muscles! That face! That accent! Add to those things that he is smart, talented, plays James Bond and is a grown up (44) and it all equals sexy. Oh, and did I mention that he is married to the talented and beautiful Rachel Weiz? I know. And please, don’t even get me started on seeing him strapped (naked) to a chair while getting whipped by a Cat of Nine Tails in his first Bond film. He made pain look good, and he told jokes while doing it. Alicia is in love.
  2. Sexiest Dude who is always on these lists: Brad Pitt eye-candy-brad-pitt-16Duh. No Brainer. I have been happy about the existence of Brad Pitt in the world since he taught Geena Davis how to hold up a gas station in “Thelma & Louise”. In fact, at one point in my life I had decided to make a documentary called “Brad Pitt’s Torso”. The movie would be a short film that focuses Mr. Pitt doing everyday things like walking his dog, playing with kittens, doing the dishes, playing flag football with Matt Damon and George Clooney – all sans shirt. I think it would have been a hit. The man has it all: Brains, beauty, talent, a great sense of humor and is old enough to kick someones ass, and also to know when not too. (He is 49!) Yeah, I love you Brad Pitt.
  3. Sexiest Dude in ALL OF NERDOM!: Viggo Mortensen54817320435595957_jfQgDbTk_cThat’s right. Viggo made Lord of the Rings sexy. A feat not easy to achieve. I mean you have Hobbits, elves, dwarves, goblins and wizards running around because of a silly piece of cursed jewelry? How is that sexy? Oh, I see. You make Viggo the KING of the nerds and all is totally forgiven. And let’s not forget that he is cool as shit. He is a painter, a poet, a writer, and I hear he sings. He was also married to the most badass of women, Exene Cervenka. A woman who herself is so freaking cool that she managed to marry both Viggo and John Doe! I mean most women don’t even get one, and she got two super sexy talented men.
  4. Sexiest Bad Hair Cut: Javier Bardem – I want to lay on a beach sipping frosty beverages with this man. No matter how bad his haircut is in how ever many movies. javier-skyfall-300
  5. Sexiest Singing Superhero: Hugh Jackman – hugh-jackman-shirtless-in-first-the-wolverine-stillMy biggest complaints concerning the “X Men” movies are that Hugh Jackman rarely gets to sing, and that he wears a shirt too often. When I think Wolverine, I think bare chest. And, would it be too much to ask for him to get a show tune? I think a singing, dancing Wolverine is just what the world needs right now. Magneto is super gay and would love it. It could be the X Men’s secret weapon! He’s a Tony winner! I think I am on to something here.
  6. Sexiest World Leader: Barack Obama – Yeah, we have a good looking president. He also happens to have a smokin’ hot wife. President Obama is the whole package. If you find power, brains, and a sweet smile sexy, the Obama is your man. He is the second American President who I have had a crush on. The first being Obama’s go to man, Bill Clinton. I used to have sex dreams about Bill Clinton. No joke. Barack Obama Wallpaper, Photo President, Images and Picture Download
  7. Sexiest Portly Dude: Jack Black – I have had a crush on Jack Black for years. I am more than convinced that if he and I were to meet we would be best buddies almost instantly. We have so much in common! We are both hilarious, we both sing, and we are both from So Cal. The fact that Jack Black is a portly fellow doesn’t bother me in the least bit. As for as I am concerned sexy starts in the brain. Jack Black is sexy because he is smart, talented, funny, and boy can he sing. (le sigh) Here is Jack Black singing “Let’s Get it On”. 
  8. Sexiest Dude in a Movie With Bruce Willis (who isn’t Bruce Willis): Mos Def – I adore this man. He is cute, funny, smart, talented and it just so happens that he was in films with both Jack Black and (the love of my life) Bruce Willis. I like his politics. I like his personal style. I like his music. And, I like his face. Mos-Def
  9. Sexiest Singing, Dancing, Dead Dude: Gene Kelly – I grew up watching Gene Kelly singing in the rain, dancing in Paris and taking what seemed like an uncountable number of shore leaves in various films. Not only did he sing, dance and act, he also coreographed his own dances, and directed a number of films. Before there was Magic Mike, there was Mr. Gene Kelly. gene-kelly-476173l_large
  10. The Sexiest Man Alive Since 1985: Bruce Willis – Yes. I still love Bruce Willis. I love his looks, his facial expressions, his movies, his music, his TV shows, his lack of hair, his age, his ex wife, his brains and… well, not his politics but nobody’s perfect. Bruce Willis has remained relevant in Hollywood because he is cool, and because he is able to laugh at himself. You can’t take yourself too seriously when you start going bald at 30. I love you Bruce Willis. I hope someday you and I will meet, drink a few wine coolers together and then sing a few songs which will lead you to want to produce and guest on my first album. Which I call “To Bruno, With Love”. Here’s to you Bruce! I still lave ya. 

10 Worst Performances in Movie Musicals

I’m a singer. I have been singing since I was a little kid and I have never stopped. I’m good at it. Really good. I am telling you this not to toot my own horn, but as a way of saying, I know what I am talking about. That being said, I finally saw the film version of Les Miserables. For the most part it was good. Ms. Hathaway brought me to tears, and I found the rest of the cast just as good. Well, almost everyone.

  1. Russell Crowe (Les Miserables) – I know that Russell Crowe sings in a rock n roll band somewhere in Australia. Maybe he is really good at singing in a band, I don’t know. What I DO know is that fronting a band and singing an operatic Broadway ballad are two totally different things. Someone should have told him that. 
  2. Pierce Brosnan (Mama Mia!) – Look at it this way, Pierce. You don’t get to be super handsome, super talented, and be James Bond without having to pay a price. So you aren’t the best singer in the world, who cares! You are James Bond dammit! Be proud. And be grateful that you didn’t have more singing in that movie. You did a great job holding your own. We can’t all be the incomparable Meryl Streep – who CAN do anything.  
  3. Clint Eastwood (Paint Your Wagon) – Clint Eastwood has many talents, but singing ain’t one of them. Although, I do have a soft spot in my heart for his duet with Merle Haggard in Bronco Billy. They sing a song called “Bar Room Buddies” and I know it by heart. But in Paint Your Wagon Clint has to really sing. Here he is singing “I talk to the trees”. Not the worst song ever, but wow… it’s still bad. 
  4. Julia Roberts (Everyone Says I love You) – I know it isn’t really fair of me to choose her for this, but life isn’t fair. See, Woody Allen wanted to do a musical. But he wanted it to be real. Like what if regular people just broke into song like in the movies. A great idea, except in real life people who look like Julia Roberts sound like a fish. I like her, I really do. But this is just awful. 
  5. Marlon Brando (Guys and Dolls) – I lovingly file this in the “so bad it’s good” category. One of the all time great movie musicals, with the added bonus of Marlon Brando singing “Luck Be a Lady Tonight”. How this happened, I don’t know. He is a terrible singer. espically when he is put next to pros like Sinatra. 
  6. Sylvester Stallone (Rhinestone) – This whole film is awful. Sly’s outfit is amazing. 
  7. Maria Bello (Duets) – You would think that a movie about career karaoke singers would have great voices, right? Wrong. Even though I love this movie for its kitsch value, and I am the biggest karaoke fan ever, it pissed me off. There was dubbed singing (Andre Braugher), and then… Maria Bello. What the hell was that? She’s supposed to be this great singer who is just down on her luck? She wouldn’t win a singing contest in a room full of deaf mutes. 
  8. Mae West and Timothy Dalton (Sextette) – This is also to be filed in the “It’s SO bad it’s good” category. Mae West plays basically a caricature of herself in this, one of the greatest film blunders of all time. She plays a woman who is so alluring that men cannot say no. She also wears all of the make-up. All of it. Like, there is none left for me now since she took it all. Here is James Bond and Mae West singing “Love Will Keep Us Together”. It’s awesome.  
  9. Gerard Butler (Phantom of the Opera) – I saw this show on stage not once, not twice, but three times. And with three different Phantoms – including Micheal Crawford and Robert Guillaume. Gerard Butler might be a hottie, but his singing sucks. SUCKS. This is what happens when people around you only tell you good things. 
  10. Christopher Lee (The Return of Captain Invincible) – I don’t care if this is bad singing. This is pure cinematic gold. It doesn’t get better (or worse) than this. It makes me happy every time I watch it. Sir Christopher Lee plays Mr. Midnight and he sings about alcohol in what has to be the weirdest, most awesome song in a movie ever. EVER! There are raunchy back up singers, and weird monsters dancing around. So, “Drink! drink! drink! drink!” (And yes, That IS Alan Arkin as Captain Invincible, the alcoholic super hero.)